Revolutionary Girl Amelia
by ryoko11
Summary: Amelia is Utena, and Zel is the Rose Bride! Sounds like trouble. It's the classic parody that you don't have to be an Utena fan to enjoy. The Absolute Destiny Apocalypse! ZA
1. The Rose Bride

Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers or Utena. Only a warped sense of humor!

Author's Note: Let's keep these definitions really general and simple

Bokken- a wooden sword used for practice (I think they appear in almost any Tenchi fic known to man!)

Genki- energetic (read it as follows: perky enough to make you bleed from the eyes.)

I figure there may only be about 4 people on earth who are both Utena and Slayers fans, but there's still really funny parody in here for those who don't know the Utena series. Let's face it, when Amelia stated that she wanted to be a hero who rescues princesses in the first episode of NEXT the wheel was set in motion for someone to eventually do this! ;) If you don't like Amelia, this might be like a slow root canal, since she is the main character. I do have ideas for more of this story, if people enjoy it. There are a couple of Utena episodes I absolutely CAN'T walk away from doing in future chapters. Sick and Evil humor awaits!

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a little princess, and she was very sad. For her mother and father had died. Before the princess appeared a traveling prince on a white horse. He had a regal bearing and a kind smile, not to mention an outrageous spiky hairdo. The prince wrapped the princess in a rose-scented embrace, and gently wiped the tears from her eyes. "Little one," he said, "growing up alone in such deep sorrow, never lose that strength or nobility even when you are a young lady. Hold a love of justice in your heart and never cease reaching for it." He slipped a large rose crested ring upon her tiny finger, and she smiled brightly at him. The ring slid around her petite finger loosely and fell off three times before she finally gave up and put it into her pocket until the day that it would fit. "I give you this to remember me. This ring will lead you to me one day." Perhaps the ring the prince gave her was an engagement ring. This was all well and good, but so impressed by him was she that she vowed to become a prince herself one day. But was that really such a good idea?

A genki girl with large cat-shaped blue eyes and jaw-length greenish hair that hung with two corkscrews framing her face stood on a bridge, with a hand above her eyes as she searched desperately for someone in the crowd of students. "Where is he? He's late! I'm going to start the new term by being late! Oh the shame that will bring to a daughter of Zoamelgustar!" she muttered under her breath. Around her the other students babbled about mixed odds and ends as they raced to class.

Some girls from her own class stopped suddenly, and turned to her. "Martina, you're going to be late! Who are you waiting for anyhow?" one asked, as she gave the girl nearest her a knowing elbow in the ribs.

"I'm waiting for my boyfriend!" Martina declared triumphantly, placing her hands on her hips and laughing maniacally.

The girl who had spoken sweat-dropped. "Your boyfriend?" the girl replied. "Well, I think SHE ditched you. She left the dorm really early this morning." The girl didn't have time to say anything more, before she stopped in terror as Martina's features contorted with rage.

"Argh! How dare she!" Martina bellowed as she ran off down the overpass. "She tricked me and broke my poor heart! I'm going to curse her, O monstrous Zoamelgustar! I'll make her sorry!"

Meanwhile Amelia must have departed early in order to take the longest route through the campus, because after many views of rose crests, a "mysterious" dueling arena, and a tall rather phallic tower covered with roses, she finally entered the main building. The students around her all stopped to stare at the petite raven haired girl, and seemed mesmerized by both her sparking sapphire eyes and by the way that her boys uniform showed off her unusually large hooters. Amelia didn't wear it for that reason however, and she was greatly shocked when one of her teachers blocked the hallway to confront her about her choice of clothes.

Reika the fighting leopardess, … I mean Reika the ancient and cantankerous teacher… planted herself directly in the path of the carefree young lady. "Miss…" she paused as though she'd forgotten what she was about to say, " …Miss Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun!" Reika paused again for at least a minute then continued with, "Are you… really going to… um… wear that weird getup this semester too?"

"Weird getup?" Amelia wondered aloud, as she looked around her at the boys in the hall and lining the balconies above. "But this uniform's good enough for all the boys at this school," she replied with a shrug and a small grin.

"Ummmm…." Reika began, before lapsing into another painful silence. Suddenly her eyes lit up, "But you are a girl!" she shouted valiantly and waved her pointer around as she struck her heroic poses. A group of strange men dressed in bed sheets trotted down the hallway behind her and produced a special effect to punctuate her speech. Reika coughed feebly as the pink smoke wafted through the hallway occluding most of the view.

Amelia calmly fished the Student Handbook: Claire Bible Edition out of her pocket and flipped through it. She didn't look up to appreciate the courageous pose, which Reika was maintaining for effect. "Nope. There's nothing in here that says a girl can't wear a boys' uniform," Amelia said chipperly. "So it must be alright then! Once again, justice is on my side!" Amelia posed dramatically herself, greatly upstaging Reika, and then she departed with a little wink.

Amelia spent the entire morning in a wonderful mood, and even set about fixing the unjust stereotypes about women playing sports by single-handedly beating the entire men's basketball team. As the dejected boys went off to assuage their hormones in the boy's locker room, Amelia was surrounded by a throng of hero-worshipping girls offering to let her use their towels. She thought it was a little strange at first, but then realized that the light of justice in her heart must surely have moved those her around her.

She was just buttoning up her jacket when one of the beaten ballplayers found her in the hallway and tried to convince her to join his basketball team so they could win regionals. Amelia politely declined and after his persistence reminded him that she was a girl and had no interest in getting covered in smelly boys' sweat.

"Oh, so you're a dyke then?" growled the disgruntled teen. "Maybe you'd rather get covered in girls' sweat! And then use their towels! I bet you just wear that uniform because of a strange Freudian dysfunction!" The guy suddenly got a wistful faraway look in his eyes, as he imagined Amelia surrounded by a mob of sweaty, blushing girls wearing nothing but towels.

"Vis Fan Rank!" Amelia squealed just before she decked the little pervert. "No! What is wrong with you stupid guys anyhow? I wear it to be a prince! I want to be a noble prince, who saves princesses!" She stalked away, but took solace in her justice-rendering punch to his jaw. She wouldn't let anything ruin her day! This was simply another chance to bring righteousness to the world. The idea that all women who were good at sports and enjoyed cross-dressing were lesbians was simply another unjust stereotype that she in all fairness must smash. She rushed back and gave the unconscious boy several kicks to the stomach before departing for real.

She was suddenly overcome by the scent of roses as she passed by the school's greenhouse, and she stopped to contemplate the rose crest, which adorned her middle finger. "Hmm… that's so pretty…" she sighed. "But why does the scent of roses always make me think of the past?" she wondered out loud.

Amelia was startled from her reverie by the sound of a man's voice. She looked up to see the quiet, lavender haired chimera, who tended the greenhouse, looking dejectedly at the ground while a man with wavy black hair, which shone blue in the highlights, and a strangely perched brown hat ranted endlessly. "Hmm… what do we have here," Amelia asked herself. "This doesn't look good." She started to turn away, writing it off to a lover's quarrel. She wished they'd do that in private, so she wouldn't feel like she was eavesdropping. Then suddenly the man raised his hand and struck the chimera across the face and the air was torn by a loud and pitiful scream. Amelia prepared to launch herself from the window to come to the chimera's aid, as the man with the wavy hair cursed lividly and cradled his broken hand.

The chimera meanwhile just adjusted his short schoolgirl skirt and groaned, "What an idiot. And aren't there any fanfic writers out there who don't get their jollies by casting me in ridiculous and humiliating roles?" He watched calmly as the man reared his hand back for another slap. "Are you sure you want to try that?" he asked. "I'm pretty sure I heard lots of bones snapping that last time," he added in an empty tone.

Amelia's eyes widened, and she prepared to make her leap as the man's hand began its descent again. It never reached it's target however, as a cheerful looking young man with long purple hair and closed eyes grabbed the first man's wrist and spun him away from the chimera.

Amelia let out a sigh of relief and wondered exactly what was going on here. Her thoughts didn't get very damned far though as a giggling weight suddenly ploughed into her and attached itself to her back, nearly knocking her out of the window which she'd been eavesdropping from.

"Amelia! Amelia! Amelia, my beloved!" Martina squealed gleefully. She hugged her best friend (and favorite other clumsy princess) tightly.

"Martina, you're heavy." Amelia complained in a drained whisper as she tried not to sink to the floor.

"This is for ditching me this morning, so deal with it!" Martina declared. "The monstrous Zoamelgustar led me to you so that I could exact my revenge!" she hollered, before adding in a smaller voice. "And then maybe we can go to lunch together." From the corner of her eye Martina spied the scene that Amelia had been so closely following. "Ooooh! It's Zangulus!" Martina's eyes formed large hearts and naked cherubs carrying small Zoamelgustar pendants fluttered about behind her. "Don't you know about Zangulus, Amelia?"

"Zangulus, huh?" Amelia grinned. "Nope not a thing. I know who the guy in front of him is. That's Xellos Metallium, mysterious Student Council President."

"Yep, and the dreamy one with the hat is Zangulus the Vice President and Captain of the School's Kendo team."

"Who's the girl?" Amelia asked earnestly. "Is she his girlfriend or something?" In her mind she'd already begun to form conclusions about future chances to defend the strange chimera, as a true Ally of Justice should.

"As if!" Martina snorted. "That's Zelgadis Greywers! She just mostly keeps to herself and takes care of the roses. I have her in one of my classes and she's really weird. Zangulus would never go for a morose girl like that! He's the type of man who must be meant only for a loyal daughter of Zoamelgustar! Isn't that right Lord Zoamelgustar? Why yes, exactly right, Martina! They're just both on the student council together!" Martina seemed entirely unfazed by her sudden interlude of schizophrenia, and a large drop of sweat formed at the back of Amelia's head.

Amelia suddenly perked up, and asked slyly. "So I take it Zangulus is the type you go for, huh?" She hoped privately that Martina would loosen her grip, under the teasing. Amelia's air was cut off by the deathgrip, which Martina had around her neck, and the justice-loving heroine was slowly beginning to turn blue.

"Huh?" Martina responded in shock. Her eyes grew huge and a blush covered her face. Then she remembered her sworn revenge against Amelia for ditching her, and a smile crept over her cat-like features. "Why, Amelia! Are you jealous? Don't worry! You're my one true love. No guy's as cool as you are!"

Amelia wondered suddenly if there was a nearby hole she could crawl into. No wonder she was being accused of lesbianism! Damn it! Wasn't there anyone in the cast of Slayers that Martina hadn't had a crush on!

While Zangulus was busy getting chewed out by Xellos, a pacifist with a strange obsession for stopwatches, and an extremely violent girl with wavy orange hair--Amelia and Martina had lunch together. Amelia was just going into her seventeenth rendition of the story about her prince, when Martina interrupted with a story of her own.

"Yeah, I used to believe my father when he told me I was a beautiful princess from the Sausage Kingdom…" Martina confessed out of nowhere.

"Umm…" Amelia stuttered. "Well, it does look like you have green sausages hanging from either side of your head, so I guess it was an honest mistake." Amelia conceded diplomatically.

Martina stopped to look at her grinder (that's a hot sub sandwich for the handful of people who don't know!) and wrinkled her nose. Her face began to match the color of her hair, and she made a rather distressing gurgling cough. "Ugh… Amelia, I think that image just ruined my appetite," she choked out and went off to find a spot to unburden her revolted stomach.

"The idea that green sausages are bad is an unjust stereotype!" Amelia called after her in way of comfort. "They're perfectly normal both on St. Patrick's Day and in Dr. Seuss books… or was that ham I'm thinking of?" her voice trailed off, as she was lost in thought.

Not long after, as two would-be lovebirds were finding Martina's special gift to them behind the bushes, Martina and Amelia noticed a mass of leering boys gathered around the school bulletin board. Somebody had tacked up a very personal love letter for all to see, and the boys were reading it aloud to much laughter and catcalling. "Ohhh… tell me am I wrong, my sweet Zangulus? I adore your amazing fashion sense and your cool nihilistic attitude. Each night I dance with you in my dreams--but only with the permission of Lord Zoamelgustar, of course!" the boy reading aloud broke away laughing and asked, "Oh, Lord! What kinda fruitcake wrote this?"

Amelia knew immediately and watched as Martina's eyes went all watery and huge. Her chin wavered as she fought to hold back tears, but with a horror filled look she dashed off crying something about being tricked and her poor heart being toyed with and broken. Amelia was filled with the rage of righteousness and stormed over to the bulletin board, ripping down the offending letter. "And what kind of MAN would read somebody else's personal mail for entertainment!" she demanded with a knee to his groin. "That is inconsiderate! And those who are inconsiderate are no friend to justice!" She helpfully organized a party to carry the crippled boy to the nurse's office where it was decided that he would need to undergo a painful testicle retrieval surgery. Then Amelia headed off for the Kendo room.

"I throw away lots of letters!" Zangulus protested as he swung his bokken experimentally. "Anyone could have found it and stuck it up there!" He gave her a confident cold glare.

"Then the only just thing to do is invest in a shredder!" Amelia quickly countered. "For such embarrassing personal information may only be disposed of with the Shredder of Truth and Justice!" She pointed towards the heavens and placed her foot upon a rack which supported the wooden practice swords. The rack promptly broke and the rest of her justice speech was forgotten as she scrambled to gather up the wooden swords that were rolling across the floor.

A bead of sweat hung from Zangulus's forehead. "What is it with you princesses?" he wondered aloud. "Oh, I remember that letter now. I thought that such a ridiculous piece of insane tripe… I mean such sweet sentiments… had to be shared with all to brighten their lives. Sharing love is only just after all." He tipped his hat and grinned at her from the corner of his eyes, as he waited for the little fool to buy his story.

"You can't be serious with that pathetic excuse?" Amelia replied, dropping her jaw in shock. Her eyes grew large with disbelief. "You really think I'd be dumb enough to believe that load of sh-" Amelia caught herself at the last moment. Righteous anger filled her to the brim, and overflowed down her trembling limbs. "I must duel with you for Martina's honor then! It's the only fair thing to do! Today after school!" She lowered one of the practice swords at him, as she spoke with utter seriousness.

"Who do you think you…" Zangulus stopped short as he noticed the rose crest upon her finger. "So you're the new duelist. Very well, I'll meet you after school in the dueling arena behind the forest."

The famous Shadow Girl Theater suddenly interrupted the plot at this moment, and on a large orange wall covered in rose motifs two identical shadows, wearing silly antenna headbands and Sailor Scout suits, began warming up. "Okay, Mimi, have you got the Holy Book of Shrine Maidens with you?" called Shadow Girl A.

"Of course, Nene! It was so nice of that violent girl to let us keep it and these cute costumes too…" Shadow Girl B, aka Mimi, stopped short. The shadows suddenly looked up as though realizing they are being watched. "Oh no! Our first big performance!" cried Mimi, as they hustled to get into place.

"Oh, brave hero!" the two girls sang out in unison, while bobbing up and down to a catchy little J-pop tune. They swept their arms in time with their singing, as they continued. "Fighting for her friend's sake… Even though her mind's gone south, you have to open your big mouth. There are rules in the forest, do you know what they are? Do you really want to win that depressed chimera? Pink lip-gloss and a phone call by moonlight… Your justice is a one-way boomerang. There are rules in the forest. Do you know what they are? Do you know? Do you know? Do you know what they are?"

A strange light illuminated the wall and a flutter of rose petals rained down upon the shadows. Nene scratched her backside, while Mimi shook her head vehemently. "Is it just me, or are the songs in this book just pretty dumb?" one of them asked, as the scene faded to black.

Amelia sniffed delicately as she approached the dueling arena, which looked strangely like Mt. Coronay without the cloud cover. Behind the walls that enclosed the arena, the wide base tapered away in a swirl and supported a large flat surface at the top. "I don't' care what Lina says," she muttered under her breath. "I still think it looks like a pile of sh-" the hero blushed. "I mean poo," she amended. She steeled herself and grasped the door handle. A droplet of cold water splattered against her ring, making her yelp, and then some queer, discordant music began to boom, as the rose shaped door opened dramatically.

"Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku… Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku…" chorused the unharmonious singers.

"Why couldn't this parody have contained any of Megumi's music instead of this weird stuff?" Amelia wondered aloud as she began to climb the long and winding stairs that led up the poopy shaped pillar to the dueling arena. She tried to figure out why the music would be talking about a wet nurse and a midwife in a dark desert, but quickly gave up when the song started talking about Sodom and Apocalypse again. The strange song played through five times before she finally reached her destination, and by this point she was wishing she could claw through her own brain to get the tune out of her head.

Amelia paused to catch her breath, setting the wooden sword aside and bending forward with her hands resting upon her thighs. "I sure hope Miss Martina appreciates this," she panted. She looked up at the sound of footfalls in the arena, but instead of focusing on the other duelist, Amelia was distracted by the sight of a humongous castle floating upside-down over the arena. "I just know that a pig in a bunny suit is going to pop out of the floor at any moment," she wailed as her jaw dropped. She noticed Zangulus for the first time, standing haughtily before her and smelling a green rose that had been pinned to his jacket. "What is this place? Was there some kind of hallucinogen in that water at the entrance? Or are there subliminal messages in that strange music? It's absolutely inexcusable to drug and brainwash a girl, who has come to fight you in good faith!" She got no further than that, before Zelgadis appeared in a red magical girl gown looking extremely uncomfortable. He held out a soft pink rose to her, and Amelia's mind went blank.

"Why Miss Zelgadis!" Amelia finally exclaimed in surprise and delight. Her eyes turned cute and shiny, and she blushed deeply, as the chimera looked both confused and annoyed. "I never knew you felt that way! One perfect rose! That's just too sweet!" she giggled.

"Amelia…" Zelgadis began in exasperation. "First of all, if you ever call me Miss again, I'm going to tell Lina that you stole the last chicken leg at dinner and let her beat you senseless. Secondly, this flower is for the duel. If the rose is knocked from your breast, you lose." Zelgadis blushed upon reflection on those words. Then he blushed crimson nearly to the tips of his ears, when he tried with a trembling hand to pin the rose to Amelia's jacket. He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw her arch her back to make her chest more accessible to him. Somehow the word 'breast' kept coming back to haunt him no matter how he attempted to concentrate on the breast… ahem…task at hand. By accident he stabbed her with the needle, and quickly apologized before she could hurt him.

Zelgadis let out a shaky breath, after finally managing to pin the rose to Amelia's jacket. She was now glowering at him for having not only completely felt her up with his bumbling attempts at securing the rose but also for stabbing her repeatedly with the pin. He had a feeling that he would need to invest in economy sized Band-aid boxes for her at this rate. That was if she didn't just say 'screw this fanfic!' and leave him alone with Zangulus. Zelgadis was sure that--somewhere on high--God was mooning him with a big, pink, perfect, human ass while choirs of angels rejoiced. He somehow knew that his greatest humiliation was still to come. "Okay… Amelia, please just forget the justice speeches and kick his ass!" he offered in way of encouragement to the young girl.

"What was that?" Zangulus roared, moving to strike the melancholic chimera, and then thinking better of it. "Zelgadis! You are the Rose Bride! You belong to me! How dare you wish her luck!" he bellowed, as he tried to look completely insane. He didn't manage it nearly so well as Martina could, but he did finally settled on obsessive and testy, which he could manage quite admirably.

Zelgadis prepared himself for the moment he'd been dreading. He extended his arms before him and closed his eyes as power swirled between his chest and his magic fingers. "Oh, Rose of the Noble Castle," he groaned, lost in his own personal hell. "Power of Rezos that sleeps within me. Heed your master and come forth!" A bright flash of blue light emanated from his already glowing chest, and Zangulus bent the Rose Bride back in a sensual looking embrace. Zangulus gazed ardently at the stony man, and his eyes seemed hooded with passion. All the yaoi writers fanned themselves and swooned. Amelia gulped and crossed herself; she suddenly felt dirty just watching this. Zangulus reached into the pool of light and a sword hilt suddenly popped into being, as Zelgadis's back arched violently. Zangulus prepared to draw his magical weapon, but he was met with a screech.

"Dammit, Zangulus!" Zelgadis swore angrily. "That was my nipple you were yanking!"

"Oh, sorry!" Zangulus muttered. He drew the sword successfully on the second attempt and shouted, "Grant me the power to bring the world revolution, but please don't turn me into a chimera!" Everyone sweat-dropped at that, and Zelgadis fell flat on his back with a crash as Zangulus dropped him.

Zangulus rushed forward, slicing through Amelia's bokken while she desperately jumped back from his strike. Amelia stared at the splintered remains of her wooden sword; then back at Zangulus's metal one. She gasped. This was definitely more than she'd been expecting. She didn't like weapons, actually. She preferred to fight barehanded. That aside, at the moment the disparity between their respective weapons seemed less than fair.

"You're challenging the greatest swordsman on earth with a toothpick?" Zangulus boasted. "You little fool! Just stand still, and I promise to remove that flower with one clean stroke!" He tipped his scarecrow hat and cackled gleefully. Zangulus again took the offensive, driving Amelia further back across the arena floor.

The arena swayed like a teeter-totter, and Amelia stumbled. Oh, this was so much like Mt. Coronay! She quickly recovered, and could see Zelgadis standing on the sidelines, tapping his foot impatiently. He gave her their private signal for the Ra-tilt, but she shook her head. If she was going to be in this story she would do this fairly, as her justice loving heart demanded.

She had managed to escape Zangulus's attacks, and Amelia used the momentary break to prepare for a rush of her own. She lowered her center of gravity, holding the decimated wooden stick like a lance, and locked her arms. With a mighty shout, she took off at a run towards a very surprised Zangulus. The two ran directly at each other as if in slow motion. Zelgadis tried to look terrified, but he soon gave up and buried his face in his hands.

The two combatants came together in a violent clash, but no one could really see it because a giant spinning rose covered the contact. (All the characters breathed a sigh of relief, that it hadn't been replaced with something sick and twisted, according to the author's whims.) As Amelia and Zangulus finished their pass, they each slowed and turned to face each other. Amelia's eyes shone with determination, and Zangulus's face radiated triumph. Within the space of a heartbeat, Zangulus's features fell and his face turned blue. Amelia's rose was still perfect, unmarred by his attack. He looked down at his own chest to discover the last of the rose petals falling away and flickering away on the slight breeze. He fell to his knees in disbelief.

Amelia made a victory sign and smiled sweetly. "Although I must be ever vigilant and tireless in my pursuit, once again justice prevails!" She turned back towards the silent chimera, who was watching between parted fingers. "Come on, Mr. Zelgadis," she told him cheerfully, as she led him away by the arm. "Let's go see if we can find any remaining scraps of your dignity!"

Preview: Next Episode

Amelia: Hey, Mister Zelgadis, what do you mean we're going to skip the second episode of Utena?

Zelgadis: The author said it's not necessary. Maybe she just feels she can humiliate me more in the third episode anyhow…

Amelia: That's not true, Mister Zelgadis! Lots of people like you! You've even been voted a finalist for the Winter Dance Queen!

Zelgadis: Oh, merciful death, take me now! Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku!

Amelia: Huh?

Zelgadis: The Absolute Destiny Apocalypse!


	2. On The Night Of The Ball

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

Author's Note: Thank you everyone! I never expected so many people to have seen both series or to read and review this story. I'm glad you like it, and it should only get more twisted as we go along.

Three figures stood in silhouette as they took the scenic elevator to the Student Council's balcony on the high Freudian tower. No one was quite sure why the council always met on an exposed balcony instead of some place sensible like a meeting room, but it wasn't raining or snowing so they didn't really care either.

"If it cannot break out of its shell, the Golden Dragon will die without ever being born," Xellos intoned solemnly. He raised his face out of the shadows and grinned broadly. "Which means less work for the monster race! Then the Dark Lords can throw a party with guacamole dip and charades!"

Lina's fist smashed squarely into the top of his head. "Xellos! That's not how Touga's egg speech goes!" She glowered at him. She crossed her arms and plopped into a chair beside their small table. "Now, do you mind explaining to us why we skipped episode two and why exactly we're starting this episode with our scene? I thought this was scene 3." She groused.

"Of course, Lina! Not much happened in episode two, other than Zangulus getting his ass kicked by Amelia again!" Xellos responded cheerfully.

Lina snickered. "Beaten by Amelia! Ha, ha! That's got to be embarrassing!"

Phil clicked his stopwatch and shot the smart-ass duelist a look. "What was that about my little Amelia!" he thundered. "I mean, that pure hearted girl smote him with the Blade of Moral Responsibility, and he has since been hiding in his room in shame!" Phil laughed hysterically at a joke, which apparently only he got.

"Ri-ight," said Xellos with a pained look. "Anyhow, now that she's won the duel Amelia is engaged to the Rose Bride. Zelgadis has moved into a deserted dormitory with her and his strange pet, Chibi. The author put our scene first so that we could summarize the important points from episode two and save her some time." Xellos shrugged, and then began happily scribbling bloody pictures of Golden Dragons on the back of a napkin.

"Hold it!" screamed Lina. "You mean not only am I not the main character in this, but I'm also being used as a cheap plot device!" She stamped her foot in anger and began to gather energy to herself. She could be heard quietly muttering, " Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows…"

Xellos and Phil looked at her fearfully and waved their hands as they shouted at her to stop. "Wait! Wait, Lina!" called Xellos, "Your part is much better than the main part!" he offered. "Not only are you a model, who everyone considers an amazing beauty, but you also are greatly respected by all the students and faculty! In fact, the orange duelist is one of the most popular and compelling characters in the entire series!" A large bead of sweat was hanging from the side of his head.

Lina looked like a kid on Christmas. Her eyes got that shimmer that usually was reserved only for food. "You mean I can go through this entire story with no small breast jokes!" she gushed, clasping her hands joyfully. "What else do you know?"

Xellos scratched the back of his head nervously, as he perused the script. "Well… You're a formidable swordswoman, who can intimidate with a mere stare. It looks like you have a couple of episodes focused entirely around you," he said. "And…Oh my…" he stopped dead in his sentence, trying to hide his nervousness.

"What is it? What is it?" Lina begged enthusiastically. She danced around the balcony and hopped up and down, as though this were the best day of her life. She seemed too overwhelmed at the prospect of no small breast jokes to notice his sudden reluctance.

Xellos pulled his features into his customary grin and waggled his index finger at her. "THAT is a secret!" he told her, and he phased away before she could ask anything further.

"Good morning, Miss Amelia! Good morning, Miss Amelia!" called the crowds of blushing girls, as Amelia and Zelgadis made their way to class. Zelgadis was again fidgeting with his skimpy schoolgirl outfit and wishing he could find a way to hide from the crowds. It wasn't like these classes served a purpose or anything. It had only begun to dawn on him however, that instead of him being the freakish center of attention, all the girls were staring and blushing at Amelia beside him. Zelgadis wasn't sure whether he felt more relieved or jealous of her.

"You're loving every moment of this little farce, aren't you?" he asked Amelia in a sarcastic tone of voice. He crossed his arms over his chest and continued to walk alongside her in a huff.

Amelia couldn't figure out what was wrong with the petulant chimera this morning. After the initial shock of rooming together wore off, things had seemed fine. He could switch moods so fast sometimes. "That's not fair at all, Mister Zelgadis!" Amelia countered. "Despite my justice freak image, I'm a perfectly normal girl!" she pouted, as his bad mood started to rub off on her.

"Glad to hear it!" interrupted a familiar voice, which set Zelgadis's teeth on edge. The figure of a smiling purple haired Mazoku stepped in front of them and bowed low. "I'm Xellos Metallium, Mysterious Student Council President and perfectly normal boy."

"Fat chance on that last part," harrumphed Zelgadis. He narrowed his eyes, as the Mazoku took another step towards them. Zel caught himself protectively edging closer to Amelia as the jolly purple monster advanced upon them.

"You really are quite lovely," Xellos cooed at Amelia, as he reached out to stroke her silky raven locks. The shiny strands cascaded between his fingers, as he watched with fascination. "Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun," he repeated to himself, savoring each syllable.

In a movement that did all living things proud, Amelia smacked his hand away. "You're into those duels too, aren't you Mister Xellos?" she challenged. "There is no way that I want to spend time with anyone who wishes to rob Mister Zelgadis of his freedom. Despite appearances, he's a totally normal guy! Sure he has stones on his face and wires for hair--and he wears dresses and grows flowers, but you have to look past all that!" Amelia blushed as she spoke, and she quickly looked down as though her toes were the most captivating sight on earth.

"Thanks for the glowing endorsement, Amelia," Zelgadis grumbled. He slammed his forehead against the textbook he was carrying, in the hopes that it would wake him from this nightmare. His wire hair embedded itself in the cover of the geometry text, and the book dangled ridiculously in front of his face. As he fought to free himself from the awkward position, he failed to see Xellos's rose crest glittering in the sunlight.

"Don't be like that, Amelia," Xellos pleaded. "It's not like we don't have anything in common…" He flashed the ring at her again for good measure.

Amelia's heart fluttered at the sight. "That ring! Why do you have that?" she asked in amazement. It wasn't possible, was it?

Xellos opened one eye to peer at her. "Why to meet you, of course," he replied silkily. He kissed his fingertip, and ran it down her pink cheek, making her gasp. Then he departed, as quickly as he'd appeared.

Amelia stared after him in wonderment. "To meet me? No. Could he be my prince?" she thought silently. Her memory focused on the hazy figure who had long ago kissed the tears from her cheeks. It was just too confusing.

"Fruitcake!" Zel spat after the Student Council President. He noticed Amelia still staring after the departed figure, and stormed off to class with the book still stuck in his silvery-lilac hair. He decided that this morning couldn't get any worse.

Not long after, Amelia was staring out the window at Xellos, who was standing at the center of a group of fangirls. He flirted with them wickedly, as they "ooohed" and "aaahed" over his slightest attention. A running force ploughed into Amelia's back, knocking her halfway out the open window.

"Amelia! Amelia! Amelia, my love!" sang Martina. She seemed to have recovered from her broken heart, and was reattaching herself to her best friend like a Siamese twin. (No offense to any Siamese twins who may be reading this! I simply couldn't think of any way for two people to be closer. Or at least any way that still allowed a PG13 rating.) "Ah! I see what you're doing!" Martina teased, as she peered over Amelia's shoulder. "You're watching the mysterious playboy prince of the Student Council. Careful! I hear he's broken almost every heart on campus."

The word 'prince' startled Amelia, but she quickly pushed it aside and resumed her musings. "Hmm… There's just no way a playboy could be my prince on a white horse," she said quietly. "Besides anyone who introduces himself as Mysterious Student Council President is pretty suspicious in my book."

Meanwhile, Zelgadis was again being proven wrong by the gods of fate. He'd been cornered by three irate girls who had him literally backed against a wall. "You've ruined Zangulus!" screeched Eris menacingly. "He won't come out of the Kendo room, because of you. You jerk!" Behind her Mazenda and Callie nodded encouragingly, and the trio continued to advance upon him. Eris reared back her hand and let loose, before Zel could warn her. Eris collapsed to her knees clutching her hand and crying like a baby, and the other girls proceeded towards Zel with renewed menace at the sight of their fallen friend.

"What's going on here?" an imperious voice asked, causing Zel's would-be attackers to turn. A pretty girl with long blonde hair and blue eyes stepped into the quiet courtyard. She reached under her short skirt and pulled out an impossibly large mace, which she tapped expectantly against her other hand. Zelgadis's eyes nearly popped out of his skull as he imagined where she could have been hiding that thing. "If there's a problem, maybe I should bring it to the attention of the Student Council!" At these words (and the sight of the large spiky weapon) the trio of girls began to apologize profusely and quickly ran off, much to Zelgadis's relief.

"It's so nice to finally meet you Miss Zelgadis," Filia simpered. "Wow, you're really very pretty. No wonder you're so popular with the boys."

At those words Zelgadis uttered a scream and tried to claw his way through the wall behind him. Filia frowned at him and a held the mace against his throat to remind him that trying to escape her opening scene would be bad for his health. He wondered again just where that mace had been. She raised an eyebrow and shook her head threateningly before continuing, "You're especially popular with the boys from the freshman class. You've even been nominated for the School Dance Queen. They'll be announcing the winner at the dance this Saturday."

She smiled in a way that chilled Zelgadis's blood to ice. "I'm here to deliver your invitation personally. Really, Miss Zelgadis, I've been wanting to make your acquaintance for a LONG time."

Zelgadis's shoulders slumped in defeat as he accepted his invitation and trudged home. Behind his back the clouds parted and a pillar of light descended from the heavens. A sudden burst of angels' voices singing "Hallelujah!" echoed through the now empty courtyard; then God pulled up her pants.

Back in the dorm room that he awkwardly shared with Amelia, Zelgadis tried to play a game of solitaire to take his mind off things. He'd have drunk himself into oblivion, but for some reason this was the only campus in existence to have no liquor anywhere to be found. He was distracted by the whimpering of the only remaining chibi Gourry clone, which sat on the table across from him. Chibi Gourry, not understanding the concept of solitaire, kept trying to play cards with Zel, and the little swordsman was starting to cry at the constant rejection. The chimera finally gave up and tried playing a game of Old Maid against his bizarre pet.

"So you really don't have any other friends, Mister Zelgadis?" Amelia persisted from her spot on the carpet. Chibi Gourry looked affronted, and Amelia shifted uncomfortably. She didn't like the idea of hurting the feelings of anything that adorable. It went against her code of protecting the innocent. After all, anything that cute had to be completely pure. "Sorry, Chibi," she quickly apologized. She turned her deep blue eyes back on Zelgadis and waited for his answer.

"In case it's escaped your notice, Amelia, I really don't like people that much," Zelgadis grunted. He was watching Chibi Gourry's eyes closely for a clue, as he prepared to draw another card from his tiny opponent. "I'm not interested in being their sideshow freak. And I certainly don't plan on being their sideshow freak in drag!" Zelgadis growled. He saw a twitch, and he immediately drew the card with supreme self-satisfaction. "Shit!" Zelgadis cursed, as he drew away with the old maid. Chibi was doing a victory dance that involved spanking, and Zelgadis innocently knocked the little pet off the table with his elbow.

Amelia gave him an incredulous look and crossed her arms. "You REALLY need people friends," she told him dryly, as she arched her eyebrow at him.

"Amelia, I'm not going to that god-awful dance!" Zelgadis declared resolutely.

The doorbell rang with a delivery for them, and they exchanged worried looks before opening their respective packages. Zelgadis went first, and he was only slightly relieved to find that the ball gown Filia had sent for him was neither pink and ruffled nor sluttish and red. In fact, it looked like a dark blue velvet version of the outfit he'd worn to Femille. There were even elegant little silver clasps with rhinestones on them. "I'm still not going!" he told Amelia. He turned his back to her, and watched from the corner of his eyes as Amelia opened her package. Neither he nor Amelia paid any attention as Chibi Gourry began eating the silicon gel packets that had fallen out of the box.

Amelia lifted the cardboard lid from her package, as though she were afraid it would bite. She slowly peeled back the pink tissues and held the new garment up between her fingers for inspection. She screamed in gut-wrenching agony at what she saw. A dress made of black leather straps and a long red loincloth type skirt dangled in her hands. It was the epitome of a Dungeons and Dragons nightmare, and it showed off far more skin than it covered! Zelgadis fell forward clutching his gushing nose at the sight and the images it conjured.

"Yuck!" wailed Amelia pitifully. "He can't really expect me to wear this thing!" she whined, as Xellos's gift card fell to the carpet. Tears welled up in her eyes at the prospect. She hung her head sadly.

"So I guess neither of us is going to the dance then!" Zelgadis smiled happily, as he spun to face her. He quickly pulled the bloody Kleenex from his nose and hid it behind his back. This was the best thing that could have possibly happened he resolved. "We'll have a slumber party, and I'll make popcorn. Then maybe we can give each other makeovers. You can dress me in some of that wonderful MALE clothing in your closet, and maybe I could sneak a peek at you in that dress there… Just for fun, mind you," Zelgadis rattled off happily, hoping the blush in his cheeks wasn't too apparent.

"No," Amelia replied with determination. She raised her head in a slow and dramatic movement, and she shook her fist meaningfully. "No. It wouldn't be right for me to hide here, when my duty calls me to secure new friendships for you! It would be cowardly of me to run away, when the key to your future happiness may be at stake!"

"Amelia, I already said I'm not going," Zelgadis replied caustically, as a bead of sweat clung to him.

"Well, then," Amelia replied with satisfaction. "I guess I'll just have to wear this dress and go by myself with Xellos…" She smiled sweetly at the chimera, who'd gone completely pale and was shaking violently. She watched placidly, as his right eye began to twitch in frustration and his balled up fists turned whitish. Behind them Chibi Gourry ran across the room with a stream of foam billowing from his mouth.

"Blackmail is NOT just!" Zelgadis roared finally. He pointed an accusing finger at the smug hero. "You've… You've," he stammered, "You've picked up Lina's sense of justice!"

Amelia's eyes began to water, and she hugged herself tightly. "Mister Zelgadis, there are just some things you don't say to a person," she wailed.

On an orange wall covered with rose motifs, the shadow of a young girl in a ball gown and tiara checked her watch. "One…two…three… One…two…three… Oh where could he be?" Nene lamented, as the waltz played in the background.

"Did you check the bathroom?" asked a muffled voice. "The bathtub? Maybe he swam away…" Mimi's voice offered helpfully. "You know what a dance really is, don't you?" she asked.

Nene placed one hand on her hip and pointed up with her other hand, as if to signify that she had an idea. "Of course!" she chimed vivaciously. She raised her puffy skirt to reveal Mimi, dressed as a man and tied with thick ropes. The shadows looked at each other, and then turned to face their audience.

"It's a man trap!" they said in unison. They immediately broke into the waltz. "One…two…three… One…two…three… How shameless can they be?"

"Do you think you can untie me now?" Mimi asked as the scene faded to black. "I really have to go to the bathroom!"

"Too late!" sang Nene.

Xellos Metallium stood on the starlit balcony apart from the rest of the dance. He seemed focused on some far away plot, as a shadow crept up behind him. It stopped a short distance behind him and produced a heavy metal mace from beneath its skirt. Then it brought the club directly down upon the top of his skull.

"Ow!" Xellos complained with a whine, as he rubbed his head. He grabbed the Golden Dragon in a painful headlock. "Whatever did I do to merit such an ADORING little sister?" he asked teasingly. He tugged on a lock of Filia's blond hair, as she desperately clawed at his hands.

Filia managed to catch a small section of skin between her nails, and she gave him a very painful pinch. He released her and greeted her with a rueful smile, as Filia straightened herself from the tussle. While Xellos wore his formal white school uniform, Filia had donned a gold and black dress with dragons embroidered into the flowing skirts. Her pointy ears were hidden behind two round gold and green ornaments. As soon as she was back in sorts, she flashed Xellos the phoniest smile he'd ever seen. "Big BROTHER!" She cried happily, as she smashed her high heel into the toe of his shoe.

"Xellos, you had better behave yourself tonight," she warned in a low voice. "I don't know what you're up to lately, but I know it can only be trouble. I swear I'm going to stop you." She turned on her heel and stormed back into the dance with her long skirts trailing behind her.

"Your tail is showing, you stupid dragon," Xellos called after her. He smiled contentedly as her shoulders jerked, and she checked for her tail in paranoia. "Life is wonderful," he murmured without thinking. Then he fell to the floor in agony at his own words. "Dammit!" his moan carried on the sweet evening breeze.

Amelia and Zelgadis entered the throng of partygoers at the Metallium mansion. Chibi immediately jumped off Zelgadis's shoulder and disappeared for the dessert cart, while chanting the word "food" over and over. Zelgadis was closely watching every move that Amelia made, in the hopes that her embarrassment would finally send her running home. Then he'd be free to leave. He hid his grin at the way she cringed upon giving up her coat. Then he saw the predatory look in the coat man's eye, and Zelgadis quickly ushered her away, trying in vain to shield her from view with his own body.

Amelia's ample bosom looked ready to pop out at the slightest movement, and the skirt had a habit of revealing her posterior when she walked. Zelgadis tried desperately to think of a way to shield her from both directions at once, as he trailed closely behind her with his skirts stretched to cover her backside from view. He also had to fight the urge to walk backwards, as his own view of her was creating a huge distraction for him. And he'd thought looking at her in her bathing suit had made him feel shy! "Please don't let Prince Phil be here anywhere," he thought privately.

"There you are," Filia called warmly. She moved easily through the crowd and met them at the top of the stairs. "You look beautiful Miss Zelgadis!" she exclaimed. "I just knew that dress I sent you would be perfect!" She realized that both Amelia and Zelgadis were staring at her strangely. "What's wrong? Is my hair mussed or something?" she asked in fear that Xellos had done something nasty to her that she had yet to discover.

"Oh! No! Of course not!" Amelia and Zelgadis chorused. They looked at each other and Amelia gave Zel a nudge with her elbow and jerked her head towards Filia, as though prompting him to ask the dragon girl a question.

Zelgadis stared down at his hands, as he concentrated on touching the ends of his index fingers together. "Miss Filia, what exactly are those baubles on the sides of your head?" he asked in embarrassment, and Amelia grinned at him in approval.

"Oh!" Filia giggled, as she unfastened the decoration in front of her left ear. She gave it a slight twist and the bauble unscrewed into a pair of teacups. "Tea, anyone?" she inquired politely, as Zelgadis and Amelia fell to the floor.

"Come on, Miss Zelgadis," Filia directed, as she took the nervous chimera by the arm. Zelgadis reached back towards Amelia in a panic, as he was led away into the crowd of strangers. "Nominees have to stand over here," Filia explained as the crowd parted around them. Behind them Zelgadis could see the stampede of men preparing to descend upon Amelia. He hoped vaguely that nothing would fall out of that dress if she had to fight them off.

Amelia wasn't alone for even a heartbeat. No sooner had Filia led Zel away then an appreciative whistle caused Amelia to turn around. Xellos stood behind her studying the way the "dress" showed of her petite figure. "Lovely," he whispered, as he closed the gap between them. "I knew that dress was perfect for you," he told her, as he opened his eyes to stare into hers. He grasped her around the waist and drew her tightly against him. Several men behind Amelia ran from the room with severe nosebleeds as her dress billowed up in the movement.

"I don't know what you were thinking, Mister Xellos!" Amelia protested. "How could you think I'd be happy wearing something like this!" she insisted.

She shuddered as Xellos leaned forward and whispered in her ear, "My, my! Don't we look like the perfect couple? Like a prince and princess from the fairy tale." He gave her a grin that was filled with wicked promises, and Amelia blanched. "Shall we dance?" he offered in his most tempting manner.

Filia led Zelgadis into the heart of the crowd, before she suddenly released her grip and disappeared from sight. Zel whipped his head around looking for her, but the crowd was too densely packed. He couldn't see Amelia anymore over the heads of the dancers and partiers, and in that ensemble she should have been visible anywhere. Zelgadis drew his arms around himself protectively, and searched the crowd for any friendly face at all. He felt eyes boring into him, staring at him from every direction. In his mind he could hear them all laughing, "Stony freak in a dress!"

"Miss Filia," Eris grinned, as she watched Zelgadis standing alone in the crowd. "She's wearing your special dress, isn't she?" Behind Eris stood Mazenda and Callie, who also seemed to be enjoying the scene immensely.

"And it suits her so well," Mazenda drawled calmly.

Filia hid herself behind one of the marble pillars, as she watched the scene unfold. Certainly, she knew her brother had an interest in this strange girl. He seemed to talk about little else lately, and she only hoped that the humiliation that Zelgadis was about to receive would be enough of a warning to stay away from Xellos. Foiling Xellos's plans for the girl wasn't her only motivation though. She knew that a far deeper need drove her. Not only was Xellos taboo to her as her brother, but also as they were separated by the gulf between Golden Dragon and Mazoku. How she loved to hate him! How she loved to be the only woman to rain down suffering upon him! How she wanted him for her and her alone! "Oh, Xellos!" Filia thought, "If I can't have you, I can at least make sure no other unworthy girl gets you!"

Filia took a break from her mentally disturbed fixation long enough to catch the eye of the waiter, Alfred. She gave him a small nod as he held up a bottle of champagne and gave it a little shake. He stalked towards the unsuspecting Zelgadis and slowly eased the cork with his thumb. The cork shot away, and the fizzy liquid splattered all over their victim drenching him from head to toe. Every one nearby had focused their attention upon the little scene. Alfred tried to help with a towel, but in reality he was simply spreading the champagne around to more of the dress.

"Oh dear," Filia thought with pleasure, "She got my special dress all wet and now look what's happening!" On the writer's cue, the soft blue fabric started to melt away wherever the liquid had touched it.

"Well, what about it? Shall we dance?" Xellos repeated, giving Amelia a little wink.

"Mister Xellos, get your hand off my ass!" Amelia stated firmly giving him an uppercut to the chin. Xellos's head snapped back, and he landed flat on his back at her feet. Her anger faded as Xellos stared back at her wide-eyed and clutching his chin. "I-I mean… I'm not good at these sorts of dances," Amelia covered quickly. She scratched her head and gave him a slightly guilty smile.

"Then why did you bother coming?" Xellos moaned up at her. He had to admit privately that there just wasn't a bad angle on this dress.

"Well, I…um… I" Amelia faltered. "I thought that you…"

"That I might what?" Xellos pressed as he climbed to his feet. His suave demeanor had returned, and he felt sure that he was about to make real headway. He was thwarted by a high-pitched, feminine scream.

Zelgadis was desperately trying to hold together the tatters of his gown as the crowed closed in around him. "Eyes, eyes everywhere!" he muttered. "Watching me! Why are they always watching me?" His paranoia about being stared at and treated like a freak had surged to the front under the barrage of shocked looks cast his direction. Then he remembered the ultimate horror of his present crisis. "Oh, don't wear underpants, Mister Zelgadis! They'll create a panty line!" he mimicked in an Amelia voice.

Seeing the dire situation, Amelia fled from Xellos's side and magically threw off her own dress as she changed into her boy's uniform. "Mister Zelgadis!" she called from the top of the stairs. The music surged dramatically as she made her grand entrance to the rescue scene. Zelgadis was staring daggers at her from his huddled position on the floor, but he was secretly hoping she would finally get him the hell out of here.

Amelia leapt from the top of the stairs, did a backwards somersault, and landed on the dessert cart face first. "Oof," she grunted. The Chibi Gourry Clone poked her in the butt with a fork repeatedly, and she righted herself. Next, Amelia yanked the once pristine tablecloth off the dessert cart, knocking chocolates, fruits, and cakes everywhere. Then she quickly secured the stretch of fabric around Zelgadis like a dress.

Chibi started the antique gramophone and was immediately attacked by a Mini Lina Clone. The Chibi Lina suddenly grew a crocodile snout and Chibi Gourry ended up between her jaws in a black on red silhouette. (Movie parody alert there!)

"Shall we dance?" Amelia suggested, dragging the stunned chimera onto the dance floor before he could respond. The crowd stood in a circle watching them, as a spotlight fell upon them, the only couple dancing. Sparkly colored lights played over them, and a rain of rose petals highlighted their magic moment.

Zelgadis could feel his face burning with the barely controlled urge to flee. "Dammit, Amelia!" he barked in mortification. "How does this constitute a rescue? Instead of the naked freak on the floor, I'm now the freak wearing a stained tablecloth and dancing with a transvestite!"

"I know," Amelia responded dreamily, "but at least I was able to get rid of Mister Xellos's dress." She had just set right a great wrong and was enjoying her hero's reward.

A new thought struck Zelgadis. "Um, how were you able to change without everyone seeing you naked?" Zelgadis asked in confusion.

Amelia stopped moving and stared up at him with wide eyes. Then she screamed.

Preview: Next Episode

Amelia: Meet Phillionel Seyruun, the pacifist genius who plays music and gives justice speeches at the national level!

Zelgadis: Don't forget "looks like a dwarf"!

Amelia: Judging him by his looks is totally unfair! He too is on the student council, although he has only fought one duel.

Zelgadis: Crap! I know where this is going.

Amelia: I think he'd like to fight one for you, though, Mister Zelgadis.

Zelgadis: Apparently he's not alone…

Amelia: Next time on Revolutionary Girl Amelia: The Sunlit Garden

Zelgadis: The Absolute Destiny Apocalypse!


	3. The Sunlit Garden (Prelude and Finale)

Author's Note: I still don't own Slayers or Utena! Sorry this chapter took so long, but it actually covers two episodes. Both Sunlit Garden Prelude and Finale! You might want to pop some popcorn and settle in, because this is a long one. I think this was the toughest chapter of the whole first season, but I had fun with it. The next few should be even better. And yes, I do have special plans for Curried High Trip! ::evilgrin:: As a final note, I'm sorry if any grammar or spelling mistakes made it into this one. I've been sick, and I figured I'd post now and do my final check later.

The strings of his instrument made a soft twang as the wood clicked against the floor, and Phil gently laid it down. He stared emptily at the way the light reflected off the struts, and he ran his finger over the strings experimentally. "Hmm… sounds flat," he concluded dully.

"It was just tuned recently," Filia interjected, as she stepped into the light of the room. "I just wanted to thank you for playing at that party the other night. Your playing really made it a success, but why did you drop out of the competition? All the teachers were so disappointed!" She bit back a grimace as Phil hoisted the instrument and began to play loudly enough to wake the Dark Lord Shabranigdo.

"You always play this same song when you're alone don't you?" she asked, as she tried to plug the ear nearest to the pacifist musician.

"What was that?" Phil shouted back at her, unable to hear her properly over his deafening, yet deft playing.

"I said that you always play the same song when you're alone!" Filia tried to holler over the music, as she lifted one of his music notebooks and idly leafed through it.

"Well, it's the only song that really has any meaning to me. I keep hoping that if I play it, someday she might hear me and know what I'm thinking," Phil crowed. He'd closed his eyes and was clearly feeling the music as the vibrations of the strings and the soundbox coursed through him.

Filia flushed, as she wondered if Phil had been flirting with her. She also wondered how anyone in a fifty-mile radius could possibly not hear him. "Well, everything you feel is there in your playing…" she began. As the page turned, though, a picture of Zelgadis watering his roses in the sunny garden fell into her fingers. Her face broke into a snarl and a vein pounded in her forehead, as she turned away in disgust. It had turned out that Xellos's target at the dance had been Amelia rather than Zelgadis, but it seemed that this chimera still popped up to taunt her at every pass.

Martina sniffled as she bemoaned her latest grade on the math test. "It's just not fair for a beautiful and stylish princess like me to receive such an embarrassingly low score!" she cried. "I'll have to take the damned make-up test for sure now!"

Amelia looked out the window in distraction with her own test laying face down on the desk before her. "Sucks to be you," Amelia told her without any sympathy.

Martina looked up at the heavens in inspiration. "I know! I'll just curse the math teacher, if he refuses to fix it for me. I can use the cursed dagger of Lord Zoamelgustar that I created in shop class!" She clasped her hands together at the thought, and she flashed Amelia a disturbing and satisfied grin.

"Well, maybe you should just cultivate a better sense of logic. Cursing and threatening your teachers is just not a fair way of earning your grades after all," Amelia told her. Perhaps, she could lead her best friend away from temptation, and start the vengeful girl down a path lined with righteousness instead. She would have to lead by example.

"Nonsense!" shouted Martina. She pointed her finger towards her patron monster on high. "Lord Zoamelgustar teaches that a real woman can force her logic onto any man!" she declared with holy fervor. Her strange moment of possession passed, and she appeared disoriented for a moment. Martina shook her head to clear it, and then she turned her attention to Amelia. "So what did you get on that test anyhow?" she asked.

With a slight grimace Amelia lifted up her paper, which displayed a large red thirty-eight in the upper right corner. She heard Martina snort in disbelief and with a pained expression turned to look at the girl over her shoulder. "Maybe you should cultivate a better sense of logic," Martina told her ironically. "Sucks to be you!"

Zelgadis stood at the outdoor sink, tapping his foot and trying not to listen to the sound of running water, as he filled his dainty watering can. After this final trip, he could leave that damned rose garden for the day. It wouldn't be a moment too soon in his opinion. He was pulled from his thoughts as a hand grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. Before he could even identify the person behind him, he felt a soft hand impact against his cheek and heard the customary screech. A large drop of sweat formed on his forehead. "Why did everybody enjoy slapping this "Rose Bride" person around so much?" he wondered, "Would anyone ever remember that his skin was made of stone, or would the same cheap joke happen over and over?"

"Maybe you should try padding your hand with an oven mitt or something next time," Callie suggested as she cast a recovery spell on Eris's hand. Secretly, Callie was just glad to finally have some dialogue. She was starting to feel like she was stuck in a completely gratuitous cameo part. After a moment Eris pulled away from Callie's spell and regained her menacing standing posture.

"We all know how much Phil loves you!" Eris yelled at the bored and frustrated chimera before her. "You said something to him that shattered his confidence, and that's why he dropped out of the music competition!" she accused, pointing and getting right in Zelgadis's face. She was starting to get her groove back, and she was prepared to really let Zelgadis have it. She knew that Filia was just behind the wall listening to this exchange.

"Hold! Villains!" boomed a deep voice behind the three girls. Philionel raced onto the scene clutching his music books and prepared to dispense his own brand of violent pacifism. "You three brigands against one helpless girl hardly seems like fair odds to me!" he roared. "Step aside or prepare to face the hammer of justice, you monsters!" "Taste my All Men Brothers Hand In Hand!" Phil roared as his palms shot out with such speed that he appeared to have grown eight arms.

Eris, Callie, and Mazenda scattered like restaurateurs in the path of the infamous bandit killer. They'd done their best, but they certainly couldn't expect to be interrupted by the very object of their discourse. Their best move now was to retrench. There would be other opportunities.

"I'm sorry, Miss." Phil smiled apologetically. "You seem to have been caught in a misunderstanding about me. Please allow me to make it up to you somehow," he said, while bowing to Zelgadis chivalrously. A large sweat-drop formed on the back of the chimera's head. This could become a painful situation.

"That's okay," he replied dismissively. "No harm done, and all that!" Zelgadis grabbed his stack of papers hurriedly, and tried to escape before the other man could suggest any methods of atonement. As he shuffled the books in his arms a test from his Geometry of Justice class caught in the gentle breeze, and before Zelgadis could retrieve it Phillionel captured it in one of his big beefy hands. Zelgadis cringed, in anticipation of the big man's reaction.

"Miss Zelgadis!" Phil boomed. His eyes grew round as he spied the very failing grade on Zelgadis's paper. "Please, Geometry of Justice is one of my strongest subjects!" He grabbed Zel's hands between his own and held them over his beating heart as he knelt before the nervous chimera. "It would be a privilege to assist you with my tutelage. I am at your disposal for however long is necessary!" He bowed his head to Zel's hands, and Zelgadis had to fight to hold back his tears. This was going to be more than painful.

Phil followed Zelgadis like a puppy dog for the rest of the day. Where the chimera went Phil shadowed him, talking incessantly and batting his eyelashes in the most disturbing gesture Zelgadis could imagine. That evening the big man even invited himself back to the dorm which Zelgadis shared with Amelia. As much as Zelgadis wished Phil's absence, the anxious chimera was profoundly grateful that Amelia would at least be there to run interference if necessary.

Amelia sat at a study desk and fed Chibi Gourry a large bag of potato chips; while Phil leaned across a low table correcting and instructing Zelgadis on his math. Amelia sighed and tickled Chibi's stomach playfully, as she grew irritated with her own math homework. "Must be nice to have a math genius boyfriend to help you on your homework," she giggled to Chibi. In the next instant a streak of blue flashed past Amelia, and she could feel stony hands grasping her shoulders, as Zelgadis hid behind her.

"Amelia, help me!" Zelgadis hissed in her ear. "Your father just tried to pinch my ass. You've got to help remind him that I'm a man!" he told her desperately. Across the room they could see Phil flash Zelgadis a shy smile and waggle his fingers in a little wave. Both heroes could feel their stomachs flip flop and develop ulcers in response.

Amelia pursed her lips in thought for a moment. "Mister Zelgadis, I know this is a terrible inconvenience for you, but for as long as we're living together, it may be for the best that Daddy thinks you're a girl," she whispered in response. Zelgadis looked ready to protest this decision, until he saw Phil using his Pacifist Crush on a sugar cube for his tea. Stuck in a fanfiction or not, the protective Phil would try to kill Zelgadis if he knew that his darling daughter was sharing a room with the sorcerer-swordsman.

"Then for L-sama's sake, get in there and run interference for me," he responded angrily. "I thought that's what you women did for each other!" he growled as he crossed his arms over his chest and sulked. This was shaping up to be a terrible chapter for him, but when wasn't it?

"You know it's an honor to finally meet you, Amelia," Phil said genially, as he faced the tiny raven-haired girl. "You're all we seem to talk about these days!" He patted his knee and laughed heartily, and Amelia had to resist the urge to laugh along with him. It wasn't that she understood his jokes anymore than anyone else, but she felt bad if she left him laughing alone. People might then realize that absolutely nobody got Phil's sense of humor.

"Um…" she floundered, "Who's we?" She could feel Zelgadis shaking where he was crouched behind her back. Amelia resisted the urge to look back at him, as it might draw Phil's attention back to where it absolutely was not wanted. She could see Chibi Gourry climbing into the plastic bag full of chips, and she quickly dumped it out on the table so that he didn't asphyxiate in there. The little swordsman happily sat in the pile of greasy snacks and munched them at a blinding speed.

Phil took a break from his laughter to look at the tiny heroine. He sized her up under intense scrutiny. "This is we," he announced simply as he held up his hand to show his rose crest. He watched her calm demeanor replaced by anger and indignation. Her eyes lit with the Burning Flame of Justice, and Phil was secretly proud to have raised such a fine girl--even if he wasn't technically her father in this story.

"I can't believe you people!" Amelia stormed. "We, neither of us want to be caught up in these stupid duels of yours! Do you realize how much trouble you've already caused us? Now because of all these duels, we have to take these stupid make-up tests!" Amelia raged, holding up her math book for emphasis. Phil and Zelgadis could see the dark clouds and lightning strikes around her as she ranted in her fury.

"Amelia?!" interrupted the burly pacifist. "You mean you have to take the make-up test too?" His eyes were wide with disbelief and a hint of disappointment, and Amelia was instantly flushed with embarrassment, as she internally berated herself for sticking her foot in her mouth that way.

"Uh… yeah," Amelia conceded in a whisper, as she closed her eyes and reached up to scratch her head nervously. She hoped that she wasn't about to find herself on the receiving end of one of Phil's lectures. Justice speech 87 would be particularly painful at the moment. Behind her Amelia could hear Zelgadis chortling, despite his effort to suppress it.

Zelgadis grew serious as a new thought struck him. He drew his pebbly brows together in contemplation. "Um, Amelia? How on earth did your dad get cast as the timid slightly effeminate blue duelist?" he asked quietly.

Amelia gave him a wide-eyed look. "Oh come on, Mister Zelgadis. Not only are they both pacifists on the side of justice, but they also both have a hand in politics. Not that a student council is the equal of Seyruun. They even share the same English voice actor!" She told him proudly. "That's versatility!"

"Wait a second!" Zelgadis interrupted. "By that reckoning, shouldn't I be Touga?" he insisted.

"Well, no…" Amelia told him. "It wasn't just the voice you know. If it was Martina would be Utena and Mazenda would be Anthy. Besides you'd hate being Touga. There's so much shonen-ai and yaoi, that it suits Xellos much better," she explained with a warm smile. "It was a nice try at getting recast though," she admitted with a fluttering of her eyelashes.

The next day Phil was happily playing away in the music room when Xellos walked in to speak with him. Phil smiled at his fellow council member, as the purple haired duelist drew closer. Neither man noticed Filia positioned by the doorframe eavesdropping. The music in the room soared to near deafening levels, and Xellos grinned broadly. He raised his finger and broke out in a stream of steady Japanese. Phil stopped playing immediately and stared in disbelief. Xellos himself looked surprised, and he tried again to speak. Once again he burbled genially in fluent Japanese.

"By Cepheed and Rezos! What on earth is wrong, Mister Xellos?" Phil asked in concern. As Phil led the smaller man to a chair, Xellos shook his head and threw his hands into the air in complete confusion. Phil patted the perplexed monster's shoulder sympathetically, when he heard the rustling of a note under his hand. Both men exchanged a look, and Phil removed the taped note and began to read it aloud.

"To Whom It May Concern. We the fangirls of Xellos have unified with the fangirls of Touga, in order to undo a great injustice, which now plagues both groups. Because of the casting in this fanfic, it is an injustice that undercuts the sexiness of both characters now. That injustice is the voice of David Moo! We have removed that obstacle to our happiness, and ask only that you don't go looking for him. We will return him to you after the fanfic is finished. And may L-sama have mercy on his soul!" Phil concluded. He looked over at Xellos and both men shrugged. "Well, if it's for the sake of justice, I must fully support their actions," Phil conceded. "But I don't know how we can help you communicate now…" he trailed off.

Xellos opened one eye and laughed mischievously, as a solution occurred to him. He grinned broadly and snapped his fingers. His sexy Japanese voice continued to speak, but suddenly subtitles appeared above him. "Is this a suitable compromise?" the subtitle displayed. At Phil's agreement, he took his mark and they started the scene from where they'd left off. Phil's playing boomed throughout the room and Xellos grimaced as he shouted over it. "You're playing isn't as overpowering as it usually is. Could it be that you've finally found that shining thing that you once told me about?" the subtitle read.

Filia craned her head around the corner at the sound of his voice, and she quickly read his words. "Shining thing?" she wondered quietly to herself.

On an orange wall covered with rose motifs, the shadows of two girls popped up. They were both dressed in the Ohtori uniforms, judging from the silhouettes. Mimi bent her arm and pointed up with her finger. "You know… the boy who first fell in love with me was the one who was best in math," she announced.

"Was he here back then too?" asked Nene, as she covered her mouth in mock surprise.

Mimi nodded in a slow, exaggerated motion. Then she sniffled. "But when he found out that I liked pro-wrestling and my ramen with LOTS of garlic…" she said piteously

Suddenly a third shadow popped up. Shadow Girl C, Miwan made an early entrance. "And that I'm really a man!" she announced dramatically as she threw off her schoolgirl uniform and planted her hands on her hips.

Nene appeared in a trench coat and carrying a suitcase. "Now I know what kind of a girl you really are," she declared as she pointed accusingly at Miwan and Mimi. Then she marched away into the distance.

All three shrine maidens stood shoulder to shoulder again. "The secret of the girl," they chimed in unison, while bobbing up and down in deep knee bends. "Do you know? Do you know? Do you know what it is?"

In the orange of dusk a burly figure rang the doorbell to Amelia and Zelgadis's dormitory. He seemed a bit chagrinned about something, but he smiled in greeting as Amelia opened the door and ushered him inside. "Um, thank you but I wanted to tell you that…" he trailed off in embarrassment as Filia peered out from behind him.

"Oh, I hope you don't mind Phil bringing me along, but I SO wanted to study with you and make friends with you and Miss Zelgadis," Filia beamed.

"Of course it's alright!" Amelia agreed happily. She blinked innocently and turned her attention to the tall, burly pacifist. "But Phil why didn't you tell me that you had a girlfriend?" she said to the big man. She gave him a little wink.

Prince Phil's cheeks turned crimson in response as he spluttered out his denials, and Filia gave him a dark look. She crossed her arms over her chest, and her jaw tightened visibly, as she wondered what was so wrong with her that Phil had to refute any interest in her so vehemently. She cursed men for the umpteenth time and followed silently into the dormitory. She would have her revenge. She would have revenge tonight!

The four people settled comfortably around the low table in the middle of the dorm room, and they opened their Geometry of Justice texts. "Oh, I just love what you've done with your room. And it's just so perfectly neat!" Filia exclaimed sweetly.

"That's because Miss Zelgadis works so hard to keep it clean," Amelia replied with pride in her friend. She grinned wider, noticing how Zel blushed at both her praise and his own inability to chastise her for calling him Miss in the presence of her father.

"It must be nice to live with such a feminine girl," Filia replied wistfully. In her mind she ran through her scenario to tarnish Zelgadis in both Amelia and Phil's eyes. "Oh, Miss Zelgadis," she would say, "I forgot my perfume. Can I use a little bit of yours?" Then after applying Zelgadis's undoubtedly feminine perfume, she would substitute the bottle with some men's cologne. "Oh!" she would cry, "What kind of woman would use men's cologne?" And then Amelia and Phil would see what kind of girl Miss Zelgadis really was, and they would admonish her and turn against her. This would be perfect! "I call it: Miss Zelgadis is a weirdo, who uses men's cologne!" she whispered to herself.

"Did you say something?" Phil inquired.

"No, nothing," Filia replied brightly.

"Oh, Miss Zelgadis," Filia called sweetly, "I forgot my perfume. Could I use a little bit of yours?" Filia batted her eyes innocently, as Zelgadis shared a look with Amelia. He grabbed a bottle off the dresser and reluctantly passed it to Filia. "Thank you so much," Filia cooed, as she opened the bottle and splashed a little on her cheeks and neck. "Aaaaiiiieeeee!" she screeched as a burning tingle assaulted her delicate skin. She looked at the bottle in horror and stood up pointing to the label. "This is men's aftershave!" Filia hollered. "What kind of girl uses men's aftershave?" she demanded.

Zelgadis dropped his head into his hand, as the stupidity of the situation overwhelmed him. "I think it smells perfect with Miss Zelgadis's body chemistry," Amelia said in his defense.

"That's right!" agreed Phil. "It takes a great deal of courage to buy a scent for it's suitability to you rather than based on a male/female marketing ploy! It's just so commendable of her!" Bright stars filled the pacifist's eyes as he spoke "It's just like Miss Zelgadis to do something like that!"

Filia's jaw dropped and beads of sweat appeared on the heads of everybody but Phil. "Alright," Filia thought to herself, "It's time to get serious now!" She ran through her second plan in a manner that bore eerie resemblance to her scene just a few paragraphs ago, and when Phil asked her if she'd just said anything, she again denied it brightly.

Phil went back to the Geometry problem at hand. "Okay, Miss Amelia. Say you are standing on the top of a tree forming the top of triangle "abc". At point "a" is a merchant and at point "c" is a group of bandits. You know the height of the tree is 36 meters…" his voice droned on as he illustrated how to find the length of line "ac" and thus the distance between the bandits and the merchant, who must be defended.

Filia got up and tiptoed over to Zel's dresser with one hand hidden behind her back. In it she clutched a pair of men's briefs. "Oh, Miss Zelgadis," she fussed, "you're dresser is just spotless. I wish I had one just like it! I bet your clothing is perfectly folded too!" With that Filia flung open the top drawer, where Zel like most people kept his underpants. Filia yelled as she saw the neatly folded briefs that filled the drawer, and she tossed her "incriminating" pair into the air. She wasn't even aware as the underwear settled to a rest on the top of her head. "This drawer is filled with men's underpants!" Filia yelled, as she pointed to the offending undergarments. "What kind of girl keeps men's underpants in her top drawer?"

Zelgadis gulped. Zel hazarded a nervous glance at Phil, expecting the prince to finally put two and two together and pummel the chimera to death for being a man living with his darling Amelia. However, the prince betrayed no change of demeanor whatsoever.

"They're supremely comfortable!" Amelia exclaimed, again rushing to Zelgadis's defense. "In fact, I wear them myself. They're so easy to move in, and they don't creep either." Amelia blushed scarlet at her own lie, but she could see Zelgadis give her an appreciative grin. "And as you're already demonstrating, Miss Filia, they also make an excellent nightcap!" Amelia grinned, as she pointed to the underpants nestled in Filia's hair. At this both she and Zelgadis had to fight hard to keep from laughing.

Not catching the joke however, Prince Phil took a pair of Zelgadis's briefs from the drawer. "I seem to remember hearing that myself," he mused, as he slipped the elastic pants onto the top of his head so that his hair stuck out through the leg holes, and a tuft of his bangs stuck through the y-front. "I'm pretty sure that Martha Stewart did a feature on them. The openings allow your head to breath, so they're much better for your scalp. Plus they reduce hairs and dust-mites on your pillowcases," Phil told them with certainty.

Zelgadis and Amelia immediately turned away from the surreal sight of Phillionel wearing Zelgadis's underwear on his head. Zel pinched his own arm as hard as he could to keep the laughter out of his voice, as he said sweetly, "That's exactly right, Phil. That's exactly where I heard about them." Amelia shot the chimera a dirty look, as she nearly broke at his words.

Filia ripped the briefs off her head and huffed back to her seat at the table. If that didn't work it meant she had to bring out her ultimate weapon. This would work, she thought to herself. It had to work! As Phil resumed his lecture, Filia reached back into her satchel for her ultimate weapon. She ran though her final plan in her mind, and then she whispered to herself. "This will work! It has to work! I call it: Operation Zelgadis Is A Great Big Weirdo Who…"

"Did you say something?" Phil interrupted quickly. As she shook her head in denial, Phil turned back to the lesson with Amelia. Commending her work as she gave him the correct distance between the bandits and the merchant in addition to the best landing spot to make a dramatic intervention. "Perfect!" Phil commended. "You know it's a little known fact that an Ally of Justice's speech is primarily used to distract villains long enough for the hero to complete his Geometry of Justice calculations and in that manner figure out the best means of attack!" He could see Amelia's eyes grow shiny with admiration as she absorbed every word of his lecture.

Filia snorted in disgust. It was time to go in for the kill. She edged her way across the room to the lower bunk where Zelgadis slept. Behind her back she held a girly magazine, which she would plant under the chimera's mattress. There was no way these two goody-two-shoes could possibly defend this!

"Why this is such a neatly made bunk, Miss Zelgadis," Filia complemented nicely. "I wish I could fold such clean corners like that!"

Zelgadis's eyes bugged out in terrible premonition, as he watched Filia raise the corner of his mattress. He thought desperately of ways to stop her, but he knew that it was already too late. Zelgadis hung his head in humiliation, as the inevitable scream filled the room.

"Playchimera!" Filia bellowed. "What kind of girl keeps a copy of Playchimera under her mattress?" Her voice reached a strident quality that Zelgadis had never heard apart from the times she fought with Xellos.

Amelia looked at Zelgadis then at the magazine then back at Zelgadis. She hung her head in defeat. "I don't even know how to begin justifying this one," she mumbled quietly.

"Why Miss Zelgadis is obviously a supporter of free speech and freedom of the arts and the press!" exclaimed Phil proudly. "Plus Miss Zelgadis's ownership of that magazine allows her to help keep it out of the hands of an underage viewer! It's just like Miss Zelgadis to go to an extreme to defend justice and freedom!" With big pink hearts for eyes, Phil stared at Zelgadis.

Zelgadis was still trying to find a way to hide under the low table, but Amelia had finally caught the spirit of justice and was preparing to defend him again too. She reached out and took the magazine from Filia and broke out into a broad grin as she saw the headlines written across the cover. "Not only that, but it's also The Princesses of Justice edition!" she announced joyfully. Her grin disappeared as the information sank in, and her eyes grew round as dinner platters as she stared back down at the magazine that she gripped tightly in her white fingers. She looked at the chimera, who had a large drop of sweat clinging to his head, then at the digitally altered centerfold depicting a certain Seyruun princess's head attached to the body of a buxom woman in a leather-strap bikini. She and Zelgadis both turned the same color as a fine red beet. Without further comment, she hid the magazine behind her back, thankful that her father hadn't registered her last comment.

"How about a snack?" Filia offered, breaking the silence that had settled upon the room. "I made a little something for all of us, and I even brought some tea!" Filia reached behind her and produced a large lacquered obento box. She removed the top with great flourish to display her beautiful meal. Instead, the four hungry students found an empty lunchbox. In the center, surrounded by a few crumbs, lay Chibi Gourry, his stomach distended from his large meal. He was picking his teeth contentedly, when Filia picked him up by the back of his tunic like an intrusive, dirty rodent. "Would you know anything about this too, Miss Zelgadis?" she asked, with the stirrings of anger. Chibi Gourry merely burped in response.

Zelgadis could see the vein popping out of Filia's forehead. It matched the one that Amelia had developed upon looking at that magazine. He figured he needed to do something fast, lest he end up on the receiving end of both Filia's beloved mace and Amelia's Vis Fan Rink. "Um… how about I make us a little something?" Zelgadis suggested quickly. He really didn't cook, but there was at least one snack that he could prepare in this situation. He grabbed some cups, flavored syrups, and a big block of ice from the kitchen. Without a snow cone machine handy, Zelgadis shaved the ice using his stony knuckles. Then he quickly passed them out to everyone.

Filia's eye began to twitch. "I can't believe this! Aftershave, men's underwear, dirty magazines! And now shaved ice for dinner? Without even having any tea with it! I have a very delicate stomach you know!" Filia stormed. Amelia and Phil were both telling her how much they liked shaved ice, as Zelgadis slipped out of the room, using the confusion as cover.

He went downstairs to the darkened gathering room, where he picked up his guitar. It was just too frustrating to deal with so many people at once. He was tired of all the attention on him. He collapsed into one of the chairs, and began to play the opening chords of Sasurai, the same song he'd played under the moon while on Captain Jarlove's ghost ship. Playing music was the most calming thing he'd ever found, although he'd noticed certain thoughts about a blue-eyed princess had started to pop up even when he played lately. Zel pushed everything out of his mind and let the melody take him. He didn't even notice the curious footsteps coming down the stairs or the three pairs of eyes suddenly trained on him.

Amelia listened longingly to the soft music. It seemed so much more at peace than Mister Zelgadis normally was, but there was still that trace of sadness that made her want to wrap him in a big hug until he just couldn't be sad anymore--the same way that her father had always done for her. Although, she was still a bit miffed about that dirty magazine.

Phil's face lit up, as he listened to Zelgadis's playing. "That's it!" he exclaimed. "I've found it! My shining thing!" He didn't pay any attention to Filia and Amelia's stares. This was the playing he'd been looking for. In his mind, he flashed back to a happy moment of playing music with his sister in the sunny garden when they were little.

The next morning Zelgadis was quietly going about his business in the greenhouse. At his feet stood a bottle of herbicide. He'd diluted it according the directions, and he was in the process of watering the roses with it while cursing the plants with his every breath. "You roses are all so beautiful, aren't you? Well, take that you beautiful bastards!" he muttered. He stopped before he got to Amelia's pink roses though. Those he diligently fertilized and spoke kindly to, but he had no intention of ever admitting that. Still, the other roses never seemed to weaken to his satisfaction. Maybe he could try fire.

"Good morning, Miss Zelgadis," Phil said cordially. He handed Zel the dainty brass watering can, and Zel quickly kicked the herbicide out of sight.

"Good Morning, everyone," Amelia greeted them, as she bounced into the greenhouse. It was the first thing she'd said to Zelgadis since that girly magazine incident last night. He figured it might be her way of showing that she was willing to let it go now. He hadn't seen the magazine in the trash since then, but he wasn't willing to reopen the subject to find out what she'd done with it either.

"Good morning, Amelia," Zelgadis said shyly. He glanced at her for a moment before returning his concentration to the pink roses, which were receiving the fresh, clean water from the brass watering can. Zel could feel his cheeks turning to match them.

"Miss Zelgadis," Phil interrupted, hesitantly. He nervously concentrated on touching the tips of his index fingers together, as he spoke. "Your music playing last night was wonderful, and I was just wondering if you would mind playing for me sometime?" Phil asked uncertainly.

Zelgadis really didn't want to do that. He hoped Amelia would run interference for him, and he quickly turned to her. "As long as Miss Amelia says it's okay," he said blankly.

Amelia just smiled sweetly. "Then why don't we adjourn to the music room?" Amelia suggested. She merely raised an eyebrow at Zelgadis's protesting hand motions. "My, my, Miss Zelgadis," she said smugly. "What are you going to do about this new man in your life?"

Maybe the magazine incident wasn't quite forgotten yet, Zel amended mentally. She planned to make him suffer after all. With a deep sigh, he followed the other two figures out of the greenhouse and up to the empty music room.

"So what is it about Miss Zelgadis's playing that has you so interested Phil? Last night you compared it to your shining thing," Amelia said, as she leaned against the grand piano that sat under the window.

"Miss Zelgadis has the same touch as my little sister," Phil admitted, as he studied Zelgadis's fingerings on the guitar. "So delicate a touch," he sighed.

"Your sister?" Amelia asked. She didn't remember having any aunts, so it had to be a story point. Still the idea seemed weird to her.

"Yes," Phil began, "My sister and I used to play musical duets together when we were little. Our favorite place was in my parents' sunlit garden. And adults from all around the neighborhood gathered to listen and were amazed at how well we could play."

Zelgadis snorted, as he tried to hold back a laugh at the image of a little Phil in short pants and a matching version of Phil in a dress, both complete with mustache, as faceless adults marveled at them.

"When I look back on it, all my happiness lay in that garden. But then…" Phil trailed off as tears filled his eyes. "Then I destroyed it with my own hands!" he thundered dramatically. "Since we were brother and sister prodigies, I talked my father into letting us give a real concert. I was so excited about it, and even though my little sister was nervous I promised her that everything would be fine. I promised that I'd be right there beside her--the way that I always was." Phil was wringing his hands in agony as he spoke.

"So then what happened?" Amelia asked innocently as she lazily trailed her fingers over the finished surface of the piano.

"On the night of the concert, I came down with the measles. Gracia was forced to go on alone, and while on stage…" Phil paused painfully, "She went into a sudden and tragic case of puberty. Her chest got so big she couldn't hold her instrument anymore, and she ran offstage crying and hid for the rest of the night." Phil wiped a tear from his eye as he finished.

Zelgadis and Amelia face-faulted. A sudden and tragic case of puberty? "I see," Amelia said to placate the large distraught man.

"Since then I've only continued to play, to try to get back that feeling of the days in the sunny garden. I wanted to get back the feeling of my sister's playing, but like I said, it's there in Miss Zelgadis's playing!" Phil explained. He sighed quietly. He took the guitar from Zelgadis's arms. "Now that you know all about it, would you be so kind as to play my sister and my favorite duet with me?" he asked sincerely.

Zelgadis felt his mouth go too dry for speech. He looked to Amelia, who nodded at him. With a gulp, Zel nodded his assent. He cringed inside, as Phil lit up like a huge and strangely menacing Christmas tree. In the next instant, Zelgadis felt the wind knocked from his lungs, as Phil thrust a new instrument at him. Zelgadis looked at it in wonder, then protested, "But this isn't a guitar! It's a banjo! How the hell do you expect me to play the banjo?"

Phil wasn't paying any attention however. He'd picked up his own banjo, and was now playing the opening notes to his favorite song. "Da-dadada-dada-dada-daaaaam" thrummed the strings, as the opening notes to Dueling Banjos assailed their ears.

"Oh, God, Amelia!" Zelgadis cried, "Your father wants to play the theme song from Deliverance with me!" His stone hands trembled, as Phil turned an expectant stare upon him. "Listen, Phil," Zelgadis explained hastily, "If anyone's going to make me squeal like a pig, it's going to have to be Amelia! After all, as the winner of the duel, she is the one I'm engaged to!"

"I thought I told you I'd had enough of that engaged and duel business," Amelia cut in angrily. "I have no intention of following a system that deprives someone of her rights, and you shouldn't want that either!" In the background Zelgadis tried to give her hand signals to explain to her that he wanted her to run interference for him, but he could see it was to no avail as her justice speech mode took control.

Phil's eyes widened in thought. There was injustice here! He must right the wrong! An Ally of Justice could do no less. Within the hour he and the other two familiar silhouettes from the student council were riding up the scenic elevator for an emergency meeting.

"If it cannot break out of its shell, the Golden Dragon will die without ever being born," Xellos intoned solemnly, with his face hidden in the shadows. He was still speaking Japanese with English subtitles, and the third member of the student council looked on in confusion until she read his words. He raised his head to display his customary closed eyes and broad grin. "Which means omelet's at the Beastmaster's annual pancake breakfast for the Restoration of Lord Ruby Eye!"

Lina smashed her fist into the top of Xellos's head. "That's still not how the speech goes! And I can't believe you monsters would actually have fundraisers for the restoration of Shabranigdo! What person would be stupid enough to contribute money for that?" the petite redhead scowled.

"It's all you can eat for a silver piece," Xellos grinned temptingly.

"When's the next one?" Lina asked without looking back at him.

"Fellow council members," Phil began, using the voice he normally addressed diplomats and dignitaries with. "I've called this emergency meeting to suggest the dissolution of the Student Council."

"What?" Lina and Xellos asked as one.

"I can't be party to an organization that deprives Zelgadis Greywers of her freedom! I must allow the shining star of justice to guide my actions! I know that you all want to bring revolution to the world, but in the end aren't we just going to end up smashing something important?" Phil announced, borrowing a bit from justice speech eleven.

"Smash the world's shell," Lina amended crossly. "Not that Xellos ever intends to give that part of the egg speech. She looked at the monster from the corner of her eyes, and he just grinned and started cutting up an apple into star shaped snacks for them all.

"NO! I fear this may smash the spirit--the very essence of Miss Zelgadis! I personally cannot allow that to happen, for to permit injustice against one, is to okay injustice against all!" Phil concluded.

"Boy, Phil," Lina muttered. "You're the most whipped that I've ever seen a man!"

"Yes," Xellos agreed. "Plus, you seem to forget that we all get our instructions from letters sent to us by End Of The First Season. It was the letters that first told us how to unlock the secret dueling arena, and when we did the castle appeared as foretold."

Lina nodded. "It seems a bit late for second thoughts now."

Phil was less than pleased with the way his meeting with the council had gone. He didn't believe for a moment that they were taking his suggestion seriously. It was strange, since he normally could be so persuasive with people. His ideals were certainly in the right place, so why didn't they see the necessity for this uniform approach to justice. He sighed in exasperation, as he prepared to enter the music room for the afternoon recital that Amelia had encouraged Zelgadis to give him. There was a kind and just person, for you!

Before he could enter the room, a busty woman in a half-buttoned girl's uniform plowed into the introspective pacifist. "Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! You should watch where you're going, Brother!" jeered the raven-haired student in a haughty voice.

"Gracia!" Phil called out. Anger started to spark within him then. "What are YOU doing here anyways? I've given up any hope on you and music!" he reprimanded.

"I'm called Naga now, Daddy!" Naga replied, stamping her foot loudly. "Oops. I mean I'm called Naga now, Brother!" She hastily rebuttoned her blouse and adjusted her necktie. "There are other things to do in the music room, besides play banjo, you know!" Naga retorted, before slinking off to join her friends. Several boys went through sudden, tragic cases of puberty just watching her. Finally, her terrifying laughter echoed down the hallways, causing at least one teacher to run to the school shrine while screaming for it to stop.

Phil slid open the door to the music room and stepped inside. He couldn't change Naga, no matter how good his intentions, but he still worried about what she'd been doing here. It was still his duty as an Ally of Justice to protect her no matter what.

"Hello, Phil," Xellos purred. Unlike Naga, he made no motion to button his uniform, but instead he leaned against the piano and leered at Phil--like a satisfied, squinty-eyed cat. "Your twin sister looks nothing like you," the purple-haired monster admitted. "But she does converse at around the same decibel," he said trying vainly to reopen a collapsed ear passage with his pinky.

He could see Phil standing there in shock, and Xellos felt immense success. "You know, Phil," he started amenably, "Even if you disband the council right now, you still couldn't have the Rose Bride." Xellos took a step towards Phil and opened his amethyst eyes to slits. "In the end only the one she's engaged to can make The Bride do what they want. Only the one who's strong enough to win her through fighting can possess her. If you don't fight for the precious things in your life, people will take them from you." Xellos winked, "You can call it injustice, but the only way to right it is by fighting." With those words he strolled out past a rather shocked and disgusted looking chimera.

"Oh please," Zelgadis thought privately, "Don't let me find out that Xellos and Phil are making time in the music room! I'm going to kill Amelia for getting me into this." He grimaced in pain and adjusted his earplugs, before joining Phil for an encore performance of Dueling Banjos.

All in all, the experience wasn't as bad as Zelgadis had feared, but it certainly wasn't anything he wished to make a habit of. So when Phil asked him to come back and play banjo again the next day, Zel told him that he'd have to ask Amelia for permission. He figured that she would have to cool off eventually, and maybe one day of persecution for him was enough of a penance.

"So if Amelia told you that you had to give up playing altogether would you?" Phil asked incredulously. He'd never suspected that Zelgadis's spirit had been broken so badly. Perhaps, the poor fragile chimera was yet another soul in need of protection.

"In a heartbeat," Zelgadis answered a little too quickly. "I mean… I'm the Rose Bride, I do whatever my fiancée says." How could this ploy possibly backfire on him this time?

"I see," Phil said seriously. "Don't worry, Miss Zelgadis. I will protect your beautiful song!" Phil declared rising from his seat and pointing towards his imagined shining star of justice.

"Thanks so much," Zel told him dryly; now thoroughly aware of how his plan could backfire. He half-wondered if Amelia and Phil would even use swords in the suddenly obvious duel or if they would simply stand at opposite ends of the arena and try to out justice-speech each other. He shuddered involuntarily at the thought of what lay ahead.

True to Zel's moment of precognition, Phil did indeed challenge Amelia to a duel. Thus the unhappy chimera once again found himself working mysteries in his red magical girl gown. Among other indignities, he even had to use his magic to add ruffles to Amelia's black and red boys' uniform. Then the moment of truth arrived at the two opponents stood opposite each other.

Zel ignored his audience and concentrated his thoughts upon the ever-humiliating sword summoning. He gathered energy to his chest, as he incanted his spell. "Oh, Rose of the Noble Castle, Power of Rezos that sleeps within, heed your master and come forth!" A bright flash of blue light emanated from his chest again, and he felt Amelia sweeping him back into her embrace. She gave him that same sensual and possessive gaze that Zangulus had shown. Then she reached into the swirling blue power, and Zelgadis could feel his whole body arch further as the power ran between them and the sword of Rezo's appeared at his chest. His knees shook, and he was dimly aware of a hundred camera flashes going off as the Zel/Ame fans swooned.

"Grant me the power to bring the world revolution, but please don't turn me into a chimera!" Amelia chanted as she drew forth the sword. Zel really wished she hadn't kept that last part on, but knowing the capricious natures of both Rezo and fanfic writers, he figured it was probably for the best that she had.

"Now, Villain," Phil addressed her, "Even if you be my own child, know that I will defeat you with the blazing justice of my heart! For obviously I am the hero, and justice is with me!" He brandished his sword with a florish, and lowered his head to stare out at her from beneath his bushy brows.

"Villain?" Amelia responded with raised eyebrows. "Daddy, I'm the main character of this story! I'm not a villain," Amelia protested with a stamp of her tiny foot. She raised the familiar handle of Gorun Nova before her, even though it had its metal blade locked into place now. "How could you think that I'm a villain and that you're the hero?" she asked in disbelief.

"Don't you know," Phil began seriously, "That villains who disrupt justice and spread chaos always dress in black?" An empty wind blew through the dueling arena, as Zelgadis and Amelia's faces went completely blank. "While I, on the other hand, as an Ally of Justice, I am dressed in white!"

Amelia lowered her brows and looked furious. "Don't you know it's not just to judge someone on appearances?" she asked. It brought the burly pacifist up short, and finally the duel was underway.

Despite their mutual dislike of swords, both combatants showed real ability with them. Even with the difference in size, Amelia could comfortably block and parry Phil's attacks. Likewise, Phil seemed able to anticipate Amelia's moves enough to escape just in time. In acts of psychological warfare, speeches too were being hurled back and forth between the fighters. Zelgadis was really starting to get into watching them, even admiring Amelia's tight little red shorts as she and Phil rushed each other in their final pass.

"I will protect Miss Zelgadis's…" Phil was shouting as the two combatants rushed each other.

"Go on, Amelia! You've got him!" Zelgadis shouted in excitement, and the rest of Phil's speech was forgotton. The big man turned his eyes to look blankly upon the unusually smiling chimera, who was cheering for the petite hero in black, and the floating rotating head of Naga the Serpent covered the final strike of the duel.

Phil collapsed to his knees as his blue rose petals drifted away on the breeze. Above him the mocking laughter of Naga the White Serpent still filled the arena. He wondered how he could have been so wrong. He'd always been on the side of justice before, but apparently Miss Zelgadis did not desire his protection. He looked up as footsteps approached.

Zelgadis and Amelia had gone over to make sure that the beaten pacifist didn't take his loss too badly. He was basically a good guy in Zel's opinion, and to Amelia her father would always be a hero. "Um… It was a nice try, Phil," Zelgadis said uncomfortably, "Better luck next time." That was about the limit on condolence as far as Zelgadis could manage, but it seemed to be enough, as the big man's eyes flared back to life.

Within a few days Phil was back to his usual self. He found Amelia talking to Martina in the hallway and stopped to speak with them. "You got lucky last time," he told Amelia with a toothy grin. "Next time, I'll beat you for sure!" He broke off into a great guffaw and pounded his chest heartily as he walked away to class.

"Looks like he never learns," Amelia said quietly to herself. "Was I ever that bad?" she asked Martina in a small voice.

Preview: Next Episode

Amelia: Lately it seems as though someone is trying to kill Filia.

Zelgadis: Did anyone question the fruitcake?

Amelia: Actually, you're the main suspect!

Zelgadis: That's a baseless accusation! And you say you're an Ally of Justice!

Amelia: Next time on Revolutionary Girl Amelia: Take Care Miss Filia

Zelgadis: The absolute destiny apocalypse!


	4. Take Care Miss Filia

Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers, Utena, Takeshi's Castle, or MXC. Only the insanity to blend all these things together is mine, and I don't make a cent off any of that.

Filia's footfalls echoed off the deserted, shadowy sidewalk, as she walked home from her evening study session. The darkness hung from the leafy trees and crept between the streetlamps. There was no traffic. Not even a stray cricket disturbed the still night air. Slowly, Filia became aware of a second set of footsteps matching her own. Filia walked faster, and the footsteps behind her kept pace.

Filia spotted the tunnel ahead, and she broke into a run, determined not to let her pursuer overtake her there. She heard the corresponding footfalls running behind her. Startled, Filia risked a glance over her shoulder. Before she could focus her eyes even, her attention was drawn back in front of her by a flash of light in her peripheral vision.

Filia tripped and landed face down on the pavement, her books scattering along the ground. She was bathed in the headlights of a brown station wagon, and a horn sounded loudly above her as the driver slammed on her brakes. The tires squealed against the asphalt, as the car swerved right to avoid the scared dragon. It seemed to Filia as if an impossible number of actions played out in mere seconds, but she was aware of each one in her state of heightened alertness.

At the mouth of the tunnel, Filia spied the shadowed silhouette of a person watching her. She couldn't make out any details of the person however, and her attention suddenly locked onto a voice talking either to or at her. A short and wrinkled old lady with a small bun on the top of her head and a large bump on her forehead had emerged from the car. "Hey, I asked if you're okay!" the old lady reiterated in annoyance. "The things young people do these days for attention!" the woman huffed. The driver was clearly growing angrier at Filia's lack of response. Eventually, the woman threw her hands up in the air and gave up. "Weirdo!" she yelled, as she climbed back behind the wheel and flipped Filia a very rude finger gesture.

The woman revved the motor and sped off, only to wrap her vehicle around a tree not ten feet away when a small green frog suddenly materialized down the back of her shirt. Filia simply shook her head and quickly raced home, having had enough adventure for one evening.

Meanwhile, at an undisclosed location, more sinister events were afoot. Inside the soundproofed broomcloset that served as his makeshift prison, a tired voice actor had fashioned a shiv from the janitor's mop handle and was desperately picking away at the soundproofing that insulated his fangirl captors from his greatest weapon against them.

He'd been taken unawares--kidnapped in his sleep, but they would never hold him. He could hear the footsteps and jingling keys of his jailers coming with a dinner tray. When they drew near enough, David Moo pressed his mouth to the area he'd cleared around the bottom of the door. "THAT IS A SECRET!!" he boomed with as much force as he could manage.

As the fangirls collapsed with a gasp and thud, the frustrated voice actor laughed gleefully. He used the pointed end of the stick to break through the thin wooden door, lifted the key from one unconscious girl, and escaped into the night still cackling hysterically.

The next day Filia joined Phil and Xellos for a cup of tea and decided that it was time to confide in them about the strange accidents and near misses that were plaguing her lately. After a deep breath she began to relate the lengthy list. "…..and then a flowerpot nearly fell on me, and some logs fell by me, and someone nearly pushed me down the stairs, and a dragon cuisine chef showed up at the house, and someone left a bunch of little gold balls on the kitchen floor….."

"I think we all get the picture, Filia," interrupted Xellos. He finished stirring his tea, set his spoon upon the porcelain saucer, and calmly took a sip. The monster radiated detached amusement, despite the involuntary twitch affecting Filia's right eye as she read his subtitles.

"What an incredible run of bad luck!" Phil exclaimed, pounding his fist into his opposite palm. It was one of Phil's more subtle displays of sympathy, and it involved fewer broken ribs than his customary bear hug.

"Please, Big Monster," Filia pleaded, as she swiped the dishes away and climbed atop the metal table. She folded her hands in prayer, and a beam of divine radiance illuminated her as she cast huge watery eyes upon him. "It would be one thing if I were to be a sacrifice for the Temple of the Fire Dragon King, but I just can't live like this--always looking over my shoulder for who's out to get me. Please, help me, Big Monster!" she begged, deciding that the nickname "Big Monster" was in retrospect perhaps a bit filthy sounding. Not that she was certain enough about Mazoku physiology to know if Xellos actually had or needed a "big monster". Still, the stinking Mazoku's ego was more likely to respond the way she wanted to that nickname than to "Big Nanagomi".

"If you want my advice Filia," Xellos told her gravely, "get yourself a shovel, because you're in deep shi-"

"Mister Xellos!" Phil chastised stopping his injustice-monitoring stopwatch as Filia streaked away in tears. According to his latest estimate, an injustice happened in his presence about once every forty-seven seconds.

"Filia is obviously just playing for attention, Philly," Xellos whinged narrowly opening his violet eyes to watch Filia's back as she fled the open-air cafeteria in slow-motion. In fact, she was the only person in the vicinity to be moving in slow-mo and was attracting a great deal of attention as such. Two girls at the next table were shaking their heads and discussing whether or not Filia could help them find the alleged Dramata on campus; and the table next to that was debating whether or not she was behaving like more of a drama dragon than the Drag-on from season one. A group of round-eyed boys were scratching their heads and goggling in disbelief, and somebody in the crowd had thrown a banana peel into Filia's path--apparently to see if she could manage to swerve to avoid it in her time altered state.

"I think you were far too hard on her, and at least I intend to see if I can help her in the name of all that is good and right in the world!" Phil interjected vehemently as he rose quickly to his feet. "It is my duty to preserve the peace and to ensure that my fellow students have a pleasant high school experience, so that they can appreciate the wonders of youth and…" Xellos was cringing beside him, as Philionel spouted a lengthy series of pro-life sentiments and marched over to Filia's side. The peace-loving man looked thoughtful for a second. Then he looked away as Filia hit the banana peel and went down like rock.

"Wait a second!" Xellos interjected. "What the heck happened to all that stuff you said about protecting Filia's school experience? You just let her fall on her butt in front of the whole cafeteria?"

Phil shrugged. "Well, I didn't specify just Filia's school experience. I said 'my fellow students', and those boys there had a five-dollar bet on whether or not she'd tank. Watching your fellow students mortify themselves is all part of the high school experience too. Besides, it seemed the fastest way to get her out of slow motion."

Philionel and Filia joined Eris, Callie, and Mazenda on the steps above the field where students were playing brass rackets. Filia was still rubbing her tender rump. "I'll try to put this delicately but, Miss Filia, are you sure that you don't know anyone who would possibly have it in for you?" Phil asked solemnly as he watched his pride and joy returning a shot that had been called "a most twisted high-speed technique truly deserving of the name 'snake's hole'". His chest swelled and he broke into loud cheers that sent Amelia staring his direction with a flushed face, until the ball, traveling at a magically amplified speed, hit her right in the ear and Phil covered his mouth and hunched guiltily for having distracted her.

"Oh there are plenty of people who would have reason, but when Golden Dragons from the Temple of the Fire Dragon King need to do dirty work they are very careful to use someone else to do their dirty work. They also _really_ know how to hide the evidence. That's why nobody would be able to trace anything back to Miss Filia," Mazenda explained.

"Hey! You're making me sound like some kind of villain with that talk! I AM firmly on the side of good, you guys!" Filia protested loudly, shaking her finger in their faces. "I do whatever I have to in order to thwart the plans of the monster race and keep unworthy girls away from my Big Monster." Filia crossed her arms in front of her chest, primly and gave everyone a holier-than-thou look.

At that moment, the ball from the game of brass rackets slammed into Filia's nose hard enough to knock her to the top of the stairs from where she had been standing near the bottom. She went down with a gurgling screech and bounced on the pavement.

"Sorry about that!" Amelia called cheerfully from the courtyard as she waved at them. Humming a merry tune, the petite hero jogged over to the delight of Phil and the surprise of Filia's group. "Thanks for catching the ball for me," Amelia grinned at Filia, but her expression faltered as she realized that the golden dragon was growling and tossing the ball angrily in her hand.

"You! It was you, wasn't it?" Filia demanded. Her body went completely rigid, and her tail popped out from under her skirt and stood straight up as she leaned in towards the shorter girl. Three foreign exchange students from the overworld grinned and raised their eyebrows approvingly as her raised tail lifted Filia's short skirt, exposing her frilly pink bloomers. "You're trying to kill me!" she fumed at the slightly befuddled hero, as Amelia tried to warn her through hand signals that her underpants were showing.

"Um, Miss Filia, I'm not sure what you're talking about," Amelia said still waving her hands and pointing at Filia's tail. The angry dragon wasn't picking up on it however. Amelia sighed and cupped her hand to the side of her mouth. "Your tail is showing, Miss Filia, and so are your… hey where's your mace?" Amelia asked forgetting to whisper the last part.

Filia straightened and dropped her tail as the anger immediately left her and was replaced by embarrassment. This much chapter abuse was normally reserved only for Zelgadis. "Oh that. The author thought it would look bad to have mace-sama sticking out with these really short skirts, so she gave me an inner pocket that connects to hammerspace," Filia explained shyly.

"Mr. Zelgadis will sure be relieved to hear that," Amelia said to herself without thinking. A shadow crossed over her, and she decided it would be best to change scenes before Filia could give her a working demonstration of how hammerspace and her beloved mace operated.

They took a walk down the arched corridor that ran past Zelgadis' greenhouse. "I promise, Miss Filia, I'm not trying to kill you. I have absolutely no reason to. Besides, that sort of thing goes directly against how I was raised and my whole 'being a prince' thing," Amelia explained after hearing Filia's story.

"Well, I happen to know that my big brother is very interested in you," Filia countered smugly. "How's that for a motive?" For the record, Filia had done twelve seasons with the Temple of the Fire Dragon King Players, and she was having a great time playing her part in this story. Her ability to get into the character of Nanami was a bit frightening to the author sometimes, but greatly appreciated all the same.

"Um, speaking from experience, it's not usually a good sign to be the center of Mr. Xellos' attention," Amelia replied in a small voice, as she leaned against one of the columns that lead to the greenhouse path. She was hoping that she would never again receive any kind of present from Xellos in the remainder of this fanfic. Though, nothing could possibly be worse than that dress. She shuddered at the memory.

"Hey, there's someone in the greenhouse," Phil exclaimed, his hope of running into Miss Zelgadis written across his broad features as he fixed his moustache in readiness. He wiped a small trail of drool from the corner of his mouth, and Amelia cringed--her face turning bluish.

"But there's a keep out sign on the door," Amelia said, drawing her eyebrows together as the distinct figures of Zelgadis and Xellos moved around inside the glass walls. Amelia decided it would be a good idea to head over before fireballs and fighting erupted.

Amelia could hear Filia's teeth grinding and noticed that the blonde was snarling and had fists ready as though expecting a lurid yaoi scene awaiting them. Amelia shook her head forcefully to banish the images of Zelgadis with ultra long eyelashes sighing as he was caught in a shirtless Xellos' embrace. Somehow the thoughts kept multiplying like little green bunnies rather than fading, and Amelia worried that she secretly harbored a fascination with shonen ai. Either that or she was becoming twisted enough to enjoy Zelgadis' strange predicaments in this story. As her moral dilemma raged, she decided that either way it would be best not to share this information with Zelgadis.

As they drew nearer, they could hear angry voices, and Amelia sighed in relief. Phil and Filia gave her questioning stares, but she waved them off and settled in to eavesdropping with them.

"Thank goodness for glass walls, or we'd have to hire an interpreter," Filia mumbled, as they read Xellos' statement through the greenhouse wall.

"I said I want the killing done now," Xellos was telling the petulant chimera.

Zel pursed his lips. "And what on L-sama's green earth makes you think I would kill for you?" he demanded angrily, as he slammed his watering can onto the workbench that he used for potting.

"Oh, come on! You're not saying that you plan to let them live just to spite me, are you?" Xellos responded, sounding smugly superior even across the language barrier, as he raised his hands in a half shrug. "What's the problem with killing vermin like them?" he asked, as he lightly stroked the petals of one of the pink roses and leaned forward to languidly inhale its fragrance as though it were the finest aphrodisiac in the world. Then he tasted one of the petals with the pink tip of his tongue, before catching it in his teeth. Amelia and Filia started to sweat just watching him.

"Typical monster sentiment. They're living things too, you know," Zel pointed out tersely. Turning around, Zelgadis could see what Xellos was doing to the pink rosebush, and his jaw tightened. An angry color appeared on his face as his fists clenched, and he grabbed the nearest object to him. He promptly smacked the jolly monster over the head with his brass water can. "Stop doing perverted things to Ame-"

The two men jumped as the greenhouse door banged open hard enough to break one of the panes. "Y-y-you!" Filia sputtered mace in hand, as Zelgadis cowered behind the bench and Xellos just stared at her with his brow raised and one eye opened to a slit. "How could you, Big Monster? I never thought the one trying to kill me would be my own big brother!" Filia bawled sniffing loudly.

In her mind she could see Zelgadis and Xellos conspiring against her during the flowerpot incident, before losing themselves in an illicit embrace with lots of wet smacking noises and moans. She took a moment to consider her stance on shonen ai. Then she bellowed, "You nanagomi!" And wiping her nose on her sleeve, Filia ran off still streaming tears behind her.

"Mr. Xellos! I know you're a monster," Amelia thundered her head suddenly seeming much larger and more menacing than usual, "but you can't just kill your own sister! And stop trying to tempt Miss Zelgadis to your ways with false leads about cures, or sex appeal, or whatever you were doing just now." Amelia turned pink, as the words 'sex appeal' left her lips, and she trembled nervously, hoping that would pass by them.

"What?" Zelgadis and Xellos asked in unison. They looked at each other and shook their heads, Zelgadis taking the extra measure of smacking himself in the forehead with the heel of his palm. Zel produced a can of bug spray from under the bench. "Same old Filia, still jumping to conclusions,"

He turned his stony gaze on Amelia. "And what the hell was that about Xellos tempting me with sex appeal?" he demanded hotly, as Amelia cowered.

"But-but that thing with the rose…" Amelia protested weakly.

"Amelia, take a good look at which rosebush he was doing that to," Zel instructed between clenched teeth, and Amelia took a closer look at the rosebush. It was the same one that Zelgadis used for her brooches during the duels, and consequently it was the only rosebush he wasn't actively trying to kill. A large drop of sweat formed at the back of Amelia's head, and her lips formed a small 'o'. Then her eyes grew large and round as Xellos resumed fiddling with Amelia's flowers, and she ducked behind Zelgadis.

"Damn it!" Zel roared at the mischievous monster, "How many times do I have to tell you to keep your hands off Amelia's bush?" Amelia and Zelgadis caught the unintentional double meaning at the same moment and flushed so brightly that their faces were actually glowing.

Xellos seemed immensely pleased with himself, as he raised a pair of Zel's garden shears as if to cut a blossom. "But wouldn't a bouquet of these be perfect?" he asked sagely. "Besides, it's not like I'm planning to deflower-"

He got no further as Zelgadis grabbed a nearby rake and began chasing the happy monster around the perimeter of the enclosed structure with homicidal intent. Amelia gasped covering her mouth, and only then did she remember the fourth person standing there with them all. She could feel blazing heat coming from the figure behind her, and she barely had time to yelp and duck before the entire greenhouse shook with the words, "Pacifist Crush!"

Filia ran down the archway, her vision mostly obscured by tears as she swore that she'd rather be dead than be in her present circumstances. Suddenly behind her a deep voice shouted a warning to everyone in the hall, "Runaway Shrine! A shrine's broken loose!" Students jumped left and right as a gigantic hunk of the old Golden Dragons' Transit System came barreling towards them like a hallowed juggernaut. Filia turned to see it bearing down upon her in mute horror, and her life flashed before her as she closed her eyes and braced for impact.

She felt someone grab her and pull her out of the way at the last moment before the shrine continued on its path of divine destruction and mayhem further down the hall. "Are you okay, Miss?" a male voice asked her with deep concern, as he wrapped her scraped hand with his handkerchief.

Traveling at the speed of gossip, the news reached Amelia and the others at nearly the same instant. "Wow!" Amelia exclaimed, her eyes growing big and shiny. "He saved her at the last possible second then left without even giving her his name… how romantic…" she sighed dreamily.

"It's not very practical though, is it?" Zelgadis huffed, tapping his foot and hunching his shoulders as he slouched unhappily. He'd thought he'd get a break in this chapter, since the Rose Bride wasn't in it much. Yet fate was smacking him in the face again, or at least the writer was. Amelia's gushing about Filia's mysterious prince, wasn't helping either.

"Well, I'd have done it differently, personally," Amelia admitted, and Zel realized that what he'd mistaken for Amelia being smitten with Filia's prince was more like Amelia being smitten with the idea of being someone's prince. He was suddenly overcome by an image of Amelia cradling Filia's head against her breast, as the two flushed and panting girls lay sprawled on the ground after Amelia had accomplished a daring rescue of her own. He crossed his arms over his groin and edged a step away from the towering mass of Prince Phil beside him.

"Lucky it turns out his name was embroidered on the hanky that he gave her," Amelia finished. "Now we're going to follow Miss Filia and find out who her mysterious prince is!" Amelia exclaimed with scalding enthusiasm. She raised her fist in the air and gave a battlecry of, "Yay!" Phil followed suit with a booming call, and Zel did his best to… oh, who are we kidding? Zel raised his fist into the air and said "Yay!" with as much enthusiasm as a dead fish.

The three tailed Filia as she headed across campus with a slip of paper and the handkerchief clasped tightly to her breast. They kept a distance to avoid being seen. And Amelia and Phil nudged each other with elbows as they noticed Filia drawing near to the strapping hero Valoon. "Hmm… is that her type?" Prince Phil mused aloud.

"Do you think Miss Filia goes for the muscle-bound ones?" Amelia asked Zelgadis.

"You know, I could just tell you what they're saying," Zel replied dryly, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he kicked at one of the rocks by his foot.

"But, Miss Zelgadis, we are on an adventure here," Philionel protested, and Amelia nodded in complete agreement.

"Yes, half the fun of this excursion is guessing which guy it will be!" Amelia told him, as Filia passed by Valoon without a backward glance. "Guess, it's not the musclemen," Amelia chirped, following after the departing dragon and dragging a reluctant Zelgadis by the arm.

Amelia let out a quiet, "Eeeek!" as Filia stopped next to speak with Honar the fishman. "Maybe Filia likes slimy beds and seaweed meals," she suggested with a whimper. Prince Phil turned a little blue at her words, and Zelgadis turned his back on the scene determined to ignore this at all costs.

"Phew! Guess not!" Amelia and Phil chorused, happily. They each grabbed one of Zelgadis' arms and dragged him onward, following their quarry.

Finally, Filia stopped under a leafy oak tree where a dark haired boy was seated with a comic book in his hands. He stood as Filia approached him, and he laughed warmly his green eyes gleaming as she shyly handed him his neatly folded hanky. "Would you…would you like to go out with me?" Filia asked.

Amelia and Zelgadis face-faulted in disbelief and collapsed to their knees. "It's a little kid," Prince Phil said in shock, as he stared at the boy who didn't even come up to Filia's chest. "Miss Filia's a pedophile?" he gasped in utter shock.

"It's Hellmaster Phibrizzo!" Amelia and Zelgadis wailed, and Zel mussed his wiry hair in frustration at the strange and horrible turn events had just taken for them. "Isn't he supposed to be dead?" Amelia asked in genuine concern.

"I have a bad feeling about what this means for future casting in this fic," Zelgadis groaned, falling forward on his knees with his stony butt in the air and his face buried in the grass while his arms stretched limply to either side of him. Amelia quickly rushed behind him to block the view up his skirt with her body, and Prince Phil blinked in disappointment while still craning his neck for a peek.

The scene faded into the famous shadow girl theater so that Amelia would have some time to rouse Zelgadis from his stupor. On an orange rose crested wall, two shadows faced each other pointing to the heavens and propping one foot on a log in a clearing surrounded by tree shadows and a tent. "Camping!" Mimi and Nene cried in unison.

"Camping, camping, camping's so much fun!" Mimi sang as she tended the campfire.

"And the best part of camping is cooking Dradora Surprise over a fire," Nene sang out as she set the pot to cooking. It bubbled merrily over the roaring flames while moving tentacles flopped around desperately. The girls inhaled the wafting aroma dramatically--their tongues hanging out.

"Let's eat!" Mimi exclaimed in a bright voice, clutching her growling stomach.

The two girls raised their bowls to each other, " Down the hatch!" And with that the hungry shrine maidens began to devour their feast.

"Eww!" squealed Nene. "There are squiggly live bits in here!"

"And there's all this burnt stuff at the bottom," sniffed Mimi.

"Hey, Mimi, what is a dradora and what goes into Dradora Surprise?" Nene asked in a tentative voice. She poked at the mewling tentacle thing that was trying to escape from her bowl.

Mimi pulled out their Delicacies of the Outer World cookbook and turned to the recipe. "According to this, dradora is…" Mimi sank low with revulsion as a cloud hung over her, and she covered her mouth with her hand to keep from heaving, "…a dried, smoked dragon's pizzle."

"A WHAT?" Nene shrieked.

"_You know_," Mimi said in a tone that said she could easily use another word for Nene's edification, but would rather pull out her own tongue than say it. "_His pizzle!_" she stressed, and Nene dropped her bowl as she understood.

"And the surprise is live octopus and troll intestines…" Mimi finished.

The girls screamed and large tears flew from their eyes. "Really?" asked a surprised male voice, as the shadow of a longhaired swordsman continued eating the entire pot all the way to the bottom. "I can eat this!" he declared, as he stood up, "because….um… because…. What was the next line again?"

A short female shadow jumped out at him, and proceeded to bash him over the head with her elbow and chase him around the campsite… "I can't believe you, Jellyfish Brains!" she howled. "One line! Can't you even remember one line?"

Mimi sniffed. "Haven't these people ever heard of normal food like s'mores?" she lamented to her sister over the sounds of Lina's spells and Gourry's screams.

"Because this sweet air is the best flavoring of aaaaaaaaaaall!" Gourry yowled, as he jumped over one of Lina's blasts.

"And I wanted children someday," Milgasia grieved solemnly, as he popped up in the middle of the chaos. "Just kidding."

Reassured that Milgasia's pizzle was apparently intact, although his sense of humor was obviously unfathomable as ever, the author returned us to the cafeteria where Zel, Amelia, and Phil were eating a meal of their own.

"I don't know…." Phil mused softly. "This could be bad."

"Tastes fine to me," Amelia piped up.

"I don't mean the Noonsa casserole," Phil clarified, and Zelgadis dropped his fork and stared down at his plate.

"He really was tasty," Zel announced his eyes round.

"Miss Zelgadis?" Amelia asked, giving him a quizzical look.

"Never mind," he told her taking another bite.

"I was just thinking about this situation with Miss Filia," Phil explained. "If you ask me, this is all about Mister Xellos."

"Isn't Mister Xellos her brother in this fic?" Amelia said, losing interest in her casserole over this topic. Zelgadis followed suit, pushing his plate away and contenting himself with his steaming cup of tea instead.

"Yes," Prince Phil nodded. "If you ask me, Miss Filia has a real 'big monster' complex," he added. "Since Mister Xellos is the only monster she's ever had, he's the only one she wants."

"This could be bad," Amelia told him.

"Tastes fine to me," Phil replied poking at his casserole. Zelgadis rolled his eyes and sighed into his cup. "But now that she thinks Mister Xellos has betrayed her, it might serve to drive her towards other Mazoku," Phil concluded.

"But do you think she really likes _Hellmaster_?" Zelgadis asked with disdain. "That creepy little brat was bad enough the first time." He watched Amelia closely for a minute, and she gave him a half-smile, knowing exactly why Hellmaster Phibrizzo was such a hated subject to the chimera. She patted the back of his stony hand comfortingly, and Zelgadis tried to reconcile the unspoken moment to the fact that he was seated at table with Amelia's father, who was at this moment trying to play footsie with the unfortunate sorcerer swordsman.

Zelgadis kicked the burly pacifist in the shin with a hard blow, and the trio turned their attention to where Filia was hanging out with Hellmaster on the hillside. "They look more like brother and sister than a couple," Amelia said shaking her head.

For her part Filia was making the most of her relationship to the little monster. She had a talent for picking up lackeys wherever she went, and the young boy seemed be no exception to the rule. With the simple call of, "Phibrizzo," Filia had learned that she could get anything that she wanted. This morning he had already brought her the answers to a pop quiz, served as her easel, gotten her brass racquets gear for her from home, and made her an excellent boxed lunch.

The idyllic moment was shattered though as three upperclassmen interrupted them. The exchange students from the overworld had come to speak to her and were looming over the refreshing sunlight that Filia had been so enjoying.

"Is it true that you're going out with this elementary school kid?" asked Almayce testily.

"It's a slap in the face to us junior high guys!" Erulogos added, looking about as much like a junior high guy as a troll looked like a princess. (A comparison that has absolutely no bearing on the similarity between a dwarf and a certain prince who need not be named here.)

"And who are you?" Filia asked pointedly.

"Erulogos… Almayce… Sirius," the trio sang out, each hitting a different harmonious note.

"Who?" Filia reiterated, disinterest dripping from her voice.

"The guys who write you love letters every day!" Sirius told her loudly.

"Phibrizzo," Filia called; and with a, "Yes, ma'am," the little monster was right in front of her and ready for business. "Take care of them for me," Filia instructed walking off to bask in the fabulous afternoon sun. She might not like it when dragons were equated with reptiles, but basking in the sun was definitely a trait of both. Filia had even been eyeing a fancy hot rock for her room, although she was reluctant knowing that Xellos would probably do something nasty to it as a prank. She pondered the blue of the sky, as Phibrizzo and the overworlders rushed each other in a vicious battle.

She wasn't aware of how long it was before a battered but triumphant Hellmaster returned to her side and collapsed into her arms. "You held up quite well, Phibrizzo," she commended him as he snuggled against her cleavage.

"Thank you, madam," Phibrizzo answered tiredly, as Filia petted his hair tenderly.

"Now I get it!" Zelgadis interrupted in a loud, cold voice. "You were just using Hellmaster as a bodyguard!" he accused, while Amelia and her father looked on in understanding. "It was all just a pretext."

"So?" Filia responded shrilly. "It's not like the selfish pretext a monster would use. Mister Gourry is Miss Lina's protector, and you're Miss Amelia's protector. Meanwhile, someone is trying to KILL me, and you're going to begrudge me one tiny little protector of my own."

"Is this how you treat your protectors?" Amelia asked in disbelief.

Zangulus cleared his throat behind the tiny hero, and everybody cringed at the picture of him in kendo regalia while wearing that same dumb hat. "No matter how much you are abused you are always happy to be with the one you love," he told them. He'd missed his cue for the line originally, because he was still at the cafeteria getting a third helping of Noonsa casserole.

He tipped his hat coolly. "That is one form of love. Love takes many forms. For example the love Zelgadis and I share is hidden love," Zangulas announced romantically, as he reached into his shirt for a small book.

Zelgadis puffed up to yell at the obsessive swordsman. "Listen up, any love you and I share is a delusion on your part!" Amelia was blushing beside him and completely unable to look anyone in the face for the moment.

Filia shook her head and kicked Zangulas in the posterior and out of the scene. "He's my boyfriend, and I can treat him any way I want!" Filia snarled at the others. She glowered at them until the trio shrank back, and then she stalked off, with her tail swishing behind her.

"Wouldn't boy toy be more accurate?" Phil wondered aloud, as Filia rampaged off.

"It's okay," Hellmaster Phibrizzo assured them with a wistful note to his young voice. "I always wanted to be her boyfriend. Miss Filia doesn't remember it, but we met before when she was very small…" he told them. The three surprised students turned to face the innocent looking monster, as he relived his memory for them.

He and Filia had been playing in a sandbox in the playground, and Filia in her ruffled pink and white dress didn't look much older than him. (Of course, Phibrizzo was thousands of years older than he looked and therefore much older than Filia, but the sentiment was the same that they both looked like little chibis.) Phibrizzo kept shooting Filia secret glances and blushing, as she built her sand castle under the possession of the Fire Dragon King. Phibrizzo was inching his hand forward to see if he could touch her tail.

Suddenly, the serenity of the playground was broken by shouts along the edges of the crowd, and a booming voice warned, "Runaway dwarf! A dwarf's broken loose!" Filia and everyone around Phibrizzo panicked, and the little pink bow around Filia's tail came off in his hand as she ran off with the rest of the crowd seeking safety.

"Little girl!" Phibrizzo called after her, waving the bow to attract her attention. He cried out in shock as he saw the large, one-eyed dwarf carrying Ragud Mezegis headed straight for the little golden dragon. "Little girl, watch out!" Phibrizzo called in a rather high-pitched voice, as he started to run towards the frozen dragon.

Before little Hellmaster was even halfway, Xellos appeared dressed in a school uniform and clocked Gravos into orbit. Hellmaster stared on in awe, as little Filia fawned all over the smiling monster, who picked her up on his shoulder and carried her off towards home.

"I just couldn't get over it," Hellmaster admitted with admiration in his voice. "I knew then that someday I wanted to grow up to be a cool 'Big Monster' like that guy I saw," Hellmaster explained. A familiar disarming grin spread across his handsome little face and his bright green eyes shone.

"So you wanted to be a Big Monster, not a boyfriend?" Amelia asked, as Zelgadis inched her further away from the disturbed little fiend.

"Yes, but Miss Filia didn't recognize me, even after all the time I spent rehearsing to meet her so that she would remember," Phibrizzo growled in frustration. He climbed to his feet, and straightened his spine in determination, as he pulled out the floating gold balls that Amelia and Zelgadis recognized all too well. "I have no choice, I have to put her in danger again," Phibrizzo told them.

"Wait the flowerpot, and the stairs, and the gold balls on the kitchen floor… that was you?" Zelgadis hollered.

"Of course," Phibrizzo answered with a sunny smile. "That's the way a big monster is supposed to act, isn't it? Isn't that the chaos that every monster craves? Of course, I'm still not sure if I want to return her to oblivion or just keep rescuing her so that she'll admire me the way she did her old Big Monster. You have no idea how confusing it is for a monster like me to be turned into a pubescent boy with hormones," he confided in them, and Amelia was quite sure that little bit of too much information would keep her having nightmares for weeks. His manner grew steadily more unstable with each sentence, as the apparent hormones seemed to weaken the Hellmaster's already tentative grasp on sanity.

"That's why I…" he began, his voice becoming shrill as raised his fists and glared at them dangerously. "That's why I must realize every monster's dream…"

Zelgadis pushed Amelia firmly behind him, while she protested loudly. "Hey, Mister Zel-" Amelia looked back at Phil and caught herself in time, "I mean, Miss Zelgadis, I'm supposed to be the hero in this story. So I'm supposed to be protecting you." Amelia glared up at Zel with angry blue eyes. She was used to Lina trying to steal the spotlight from her on the rare occasions when Amelia got it, but Mister Zelgadis never did that to her.

"Not against Hellmaster," he growled flatly, as he warily eyed the floating gold orbs in Hellmaster's open palm.

Hellmaster laughed like a diminuitive lunatic, his tiny dark head stretched back while his shoulder length black hair blew around him.

"So it was you the whole time!" interrupted a furious female voice, and everyone turned to see Miss Filia standing there with a look of absolute rage contorting her normally pretty features. Even Hellmaster gulped. "Because of you… because of you I called my Big Monster a nanagomi!" Filia charged the guilty little Mazoku, and she reached for the back of his collar despite the warnings of everyone around her.

"Runaway fishman!" someone interrupted, "A fishman's broken loose!" Everyone looked at each other, and they began to run and jump out of the way as Rahanimu streaked past them like a blur. The furious fishman turned at the end of his run and faced them, preparing for his second pass.

"You know," interrupted Prince Philonel seriously, "he really has got very sexy legs."

"Daddy!" Amelia bellowed, before Zelgadis pulled her to one side to avoid Rahanimu's second pass.

"We don't have time for this," Zel shouted, as he searched for a safe hiding place. For some reason, Amelia never got to pull that sword trick at any moment when a sword would be useful outside the arena. It was a total nuisance.

With a battle cry of, "I will protect Miss Filia!" Phibrizzo threw himself directly in the way of the oncoming icthyosapien. He yelled loudly as he prepared for battle. He was shocked to discover that he was in motion and headed away from Rahanimu, as Filia picked him up and began running away from the mad fish with Phibrizzo tucked neatly under her arm.

"Run, you idiot!" Filia ordered, her voice terse. "I don't mind risking my life to save you, and I don't mind taking you in as another lackey. Just remember my brother is my brother, and you're you, Phibrizzo," she explained, changing direction quickly as Rahanimu ended up in front of her again.

Prince Phil had tripped over a rock and was making a large but unappealing target on the ground. Amelia was leading Zelgadis out of harm's way across the clearing, and the chimera was cursing loudly as Rahanimu sang and flew around them all like a maniac.

Before anyone could come up with a plan of their own, Xellos arrived on the scene dressed in boxing shorts and sneakers. He hit Rahanimu right on the nose with a punch that sent the giant fish down for the count. Everyone around him came out of hiding and the air was filled with cheers, as the crowd hurried to congratulate him.

"My original solution was better," Zelgadis groused, while Amelia patted him on the shoulder. "Now what the heck are we supposed to do with a little maniac like Phibrizzo on the loose in this story," Zel asked darkly.

"Oh, that's no problem," Xellos answered cheerfully. "The author thought it would be way too reckless to let that little hellion wander around with his full powers, so she took away his power over life and death."

"But what about those little golden orbs that he's carrying?" Amelia protested, as she cast a healing spell on one of her scraped knees.

"These?" Phibrizzo asked in innocent confusion. "They're just marbles, but they're pretty, aren't they?"

"Wait just a moment!" a familiar voice cut into the action, and a disheveled voice actor limped out from behind the shrubberies. After a long and arduous journey of his own, David Moo had finally found his way back into the secluded world of the fanfic. "I've returned to finish this story, and I'll take out any fangirl who tries to stop me!"

Akira Ishida came out to face him like a cowboy at high noon, and the onslaught of angry subtitles made it perfectly clear that he had been forced to rearrange his entire schedule to take over this fic and wasn't happy at the prospect of handing the project over to anyone else.

Amelia gulped. "This won't do. Now we have two voices for Mr. Xellos," she squeaked.

"The question is which one do we keep," Zelgadis asked rubbing his forehead in irritation.

"Well, both men do have a rightful claim to do the voice in this story," Prince Phil announced carefully, still seated on the dusty ground. "I suppose we'll have to resort to a vote in the name of justice," he suggested.

"I think that would take too long, and it might seem too preferential to outsiders," Amelia cut in, tapping her finger against her chin as she thought about a diplomatic solution for the problem. "It would be better to let the two voice actors go head to head in a competition of some sort. Then the winner would voice Mr. Xellos for the rest of the story."

Xellos held up a sign that read, "How about a fight to the death?" Filia smacked him over the head with her mace and, while he lay twitching on the ground, the others went back to trying to solve this dilemma.

"How about a Japanese game show? Like Takeshi's Castle (better known as MXC stateside) or Iron Chef?" Filia suggested helpfully.

"No cooking! We've had enough culinary horror in this chapter!" protested several voices.

"Okay then, here are the events… Window Pain, Rotating Surfboard of Death, Log Drop, and Dash to Death." Phibrizzo interjected.

"Hey, isn't he a bit young to be watching a show like that?" Gourry whispered to the others as the blond swordsman changed into his Kenny Blankenship costume.

"Right you are Gourry," Lina responded, proudly modeling her Vic Romano kimono. "It explains a lot for us, doesn't it? Hey, Amelia, you wanna be Guy Le Douche for us?" Lina asked with a teasing grin.

"I have enough image problems without that honor!" Amelia yelled back, throwing a shoe at Lina's head for the very suggestion. "Besides, in this uniform I HAVE to be Captain Tenneal." Amelia shined her epaulets proudly with the cuff of her jacket for emphasis, as she borrowed a sword and took her place in front of the contestants.

Zelgadis stared around him sadly as the two voice actors donned their human fly suits and prepared to fling themselves at a Velcro wall for the first event. "This is just stupid," Zel declared, deciding he might as well leave, before anyone could drag him into this mess. A shadow snap later Zelgadis was firmly planted in his seat.

"And up first we have Window Pain where the object is to swing across the pit of safety fluid and stick yourself to the wall before you go splat!" Lina announced with relish.

"And today's safety fluid comes from the YMCA sweat room," Gourry read from the sheet provided to him. "Yech. One dip in that, and you'll be smelling like ham and old socks for weeks!"

"Indeed," Lina agreed, as Amelia handed the rope to their first actor, David Moo. "It looks like David Moo favors an unusual back handed grip on the rope, but look at him use his hips to really swing his body over the safety fluid," she narrated, as David Moo jumped onto the rope with an overdub pronouncing that he liked pie. He literally hurled himself through the air like a howler monkey jumping from tree to tree.

"Wow, look at that pelvic extension as he hits the wall!" Gourry marveled. "He really sticks it, you can tell from the wedgie that he's on there to stay."

"Indeed he is, Gourry," Lina added as she and Gourry fought to draw the illustrative guide over the area in question, but they ended up with something that looked like a happy face plastered over the voice actor's derriere.

"You know, normally they fall off the wall by now," Lina acknowledged, as the school fire brigade headed out with the pressure hose to remove David Moo from the wall.

"Up next is Akira Ishida," Lina told Gourry as he stared vacantly at a large spit bubble that he'd been cultivating while everyone else paid attention to the commotion on the field.

"Uh-ha," Gourry replied gingerly trying not to pop the bubble he'd formed. Lina held a pencil threateningly close to Gourry's precious spit bubble, and he complied by sucking it back in and pouting.

"Looks like he's got a much looser hand hold," Gourry observed, mentally comparing it to sword grips that he'd seen before. "With so much momentum that could hurt him in keeping it up until he's within range," the blond man noted moments before Akira's grip slipped off the rope and he went hurtling into the muddy water below.

"Ouch," Lina called sympathetically. "He goes down into the safety fluid, and boy he doesn't look happy about it. Wow, it looks like David Moo has drawn first blood and taken an early lead." The lead didn't last long though, as the second event, Log Drop, left the men in a dead tie. David Moo slid over the first three rollers on his belly in a naughty nurse stance before landing headfirst in the safety fluid while Akira Ishida skipped nimbly across. After that the competition only grew more intense, and the two men gritted their teeth in determination to prove that they were the one true Xellos. (Not that their respective talents were particularly demonstrated by the events in which they were participating, but it was the final goal after all.)

By the end they had competed in every event ever to grace the show, and they were both suffering from dizziness, exhaustion, and coated in so much mud that it was a wonder that either of them could still move at all.

"Can you believe that after all that trouble it was still a tie?" Amelia asked.

"Yeah, that David Moo sure could stick to a wall though," Gourry told them with reverence.

"But Akira Ishida nailed him on Log Drop," Lina crowed, smacking Gourry on the back hard enough to send him flying forward. "And don't even get me started on Sinkers and Floaters!" Lina was giggling with a perverse glee that didn't surprise anyone in the story.

"So I guess that means fans can pick their own audiotrack for Mister Xellos now, but the author says she's not writing any more subtitles in this monstrosity," Amelia explained.

"Good! Now that's settled… Phibrizzo," Filia interjected taking the little monster's hand in hers, "let's break up."

"Okay," Phibrizzo agreed amicably. "I was thinking, I'd like to be adopted into your family," he told her as they began setting off with Xellos. "Maybe I could be your Little Monster," he suggested.

"Big Monster," Filia cooed to the purple haired Mazoku on her other side, "you really are the only one for me!"

"I guess Mister Xellos really is quite a guy," Amelia admitted, as the jolly purple monster turned to grin at her.

Zelgadis looked deeply affronted beside her and the vein at his temple began to throb visibly as he faced the heroic princess at his shoulder. "EXCUSE ME?" he bristled. "Well, maybe you'd rather have Xellos' hands in your bush instead of mine in the next chapter!" he snapped.

Amelia and the chimera both turned bright red, as Prince Philionel seethed palpably behind them.

"Umm… Daddy," Amelia began, trying to hold the large man back from any possible targets.

"PACIFIST CRUSH!"

Preview: Unfulfilled Lina

Amelia: They say that only those who get within ten feet of her can see her other face.

Zelgadis: Who's that?

Amelia: Miss Lina, of course!

Zelgadis: She wants you to throw away your rose seal and make her the main character.

Amelia: Fat chance! The next episode of Revolutionary Girl Amelia: Unfulfilled Lina.

Zelgadis: If that's not the absolute destiny apocalypse, I don't know what is!

Author's Note: I don't normally add a real author's note with this story, but I figured it would be a nice thing to give a little explanation about the competition between David Moo and Akira Ishida at the end of the chapter. I've always intended to bring David Moo back into the fic, and I had thought of multiple ways to do it. A friend introduced me to MXC last spring and after laughing myself sick over the events and the overdubs, it became one of my favorite programs. So, when I was wracking my brains for some way for the pair to compete for the role of Xellos, my mother suggested MXC. I found the idea of the two poor voice actors going through an all out war across a plethora of insane and dangerous events for the honor of performing in a meager fanfic pretty hilarious--and rather more appropriate than some of my other ideas because of the Japanese gameshow angle. For those who've never seen MXC before and want to know what I'm talking about in this chapter, it airs on Thursday nights at 9:00pm EST on Spike TV. I felt the need to keep my parody of it extremely short in order to not get too much further off topic in an already huge chapter, but I tried to capture the flavor of the show in what I had.

If anyone wants to check out the lovely CG fanarts for Revolutionary Girl Amelia, I have a couple on my website. Definitely worth a look. There are more to come too! The link is available through my profile page. Hopefully, I'll get the revamp done soon, and have the essays and goodies all up.


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